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Posted By A Son-Rise Message Board Participant on December 29, 1999 at 03:17:08:
: How do you all handle your own feelings when your children are "isming" in public and people are noticing? My son does alot of flapping, almost all the time unless he's being held, or engaged in something productive (eg. eating). He enjoys going out with us to the store or out to eat (which I'm glad for), but of course people do look at him due to the flapping. I generally ignore the looking (and I understand it...I'd look too), but it's hard not to be aware of it...part of me wishes people wouldn't look...and part of me wishes he wouldn't flap...then of course I feel quilty for wishing he wouldn't flap and cause people to look!!! : How do some of you handle these feelings??? : Thanks for any thoughts!
Hi,
One perspective that always helps me is the one I learned at Option, and that is every person is doing the best that they can at the time. So the person who is staring at your child is doing the best they can.
An excellent book on this topic is "Everybody's Different" by Dr. Nancy Miller. She has been working with families with special children for thirty years. She says that since she was a child, and mostly in the last twenty years, people with disabilities are not being put in the closet. Rather, they are being encouraged to become part of society, and many of the institutions are closing down. That means that it is a fairly recent phenomenon for many people to see a special child or adult in public.
Dr. Miller theorizes that we all react to differences to others who are outside our "typical expected average" of human behavior. Anything about the way a person looks, moves, communicates behaves or learns that is outside our "expected average" is going to draw our attention. This creates an automatic response in ourselves that says: "Different!" And whenever our brains react to "Different!," its very first, instantaneous totally automatic response is to also go "Uh-oh! Am I safe?" One of the most important functions of our brains is to protect us from anything that is potentially harmful. It does such a good job of staying alert that sometimes it overreacts to situations that aren't really dangerous at all.
Dr. Miller advises that if you have a chance to help another person get past their first reaction, do it. The suggestion of a card with a very brief description is an excellent one. Why would a parent or anyone have that responsibility? Because our goal as parents, teachers or facilitators is to make it as easy as possible for today's special kids to enter society in as many, as great and as successful ways as possible. Anything each one of us can do to increase the circle of people who learn positive ways to react to people with special needs (and thier parents!!) benefits all of us.
The Americans with Disablities Act (ADA) and IDEA are two laws that have facilitated this process. We can do our kids and the special kids that follow them lots of good by our own reactions and attitudes.
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