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Posted By A Son-Rise Message Board Participant on December 13, 1999 at 00:35:05:
Everyone has done a very good job discussing the attitude that's so important here so I'll just say I agree with that. However, it's sometimes easier to understand that if you look at specific examples of it at work. If you'd like to share some specific examples of behaviors your child needs help with, I'm sure we'd be happy to help you brainstorm ways to teach and inspire those.
I do want to mention that I think Son-Rise, done well, is the most powerful method of helping child learn self-control and discipline. Folks unfamiliar with Option really think this is crazy, especially since they see a child who's allowed such a large amount of control in the early days. But when you think about it and see all of the amazing little Son-Rise children after a few years in a program that is done well, it becomes clear. These kids are the most well-behaved, compassionate people.
What do we want long-term in disciplining our children anyway? We want them to maintain self-control, respect and compassion for themselves and others and be able to follow general "rules of etiquite" that have been set up by our society. If we keep the long-term picture in mind, it makes it far easier than if we're just trying to put out fires all the time.
If you have a child who doesn't care about the world, doesn't understand anything, may not even see other people as more than objects or perhaps sees other people as obstacles (them always saying no or forcing him to do things), it is impossible to do anything but "train" a behavior which the child may or may not do. You also set up a situation where the child often wants to fight back and push your buttons.
But, if you start at the place where the child is, create a world where people are obviously useful, enjoyable, worth getting to know and being with, more understandable, don't go against you or physically manipulate you, you usually end up with a child who really cares about people and wants to follow the rules so that he can enjoy experiencing our world.
In the early days, the child is given control and only small limits are placed on him. He's free to explore his world and open up to people as he sees fit. People react very big and appreciative of the behaviors and actions they do want, and then do not react or react with a simple statement or in a very small way to things they don't want. A child learns what works to get what he wants. Tantrums and violence slow people down or stop the fun or keep me from getting what I want, words or gestures or respectful behavior get what he wants very quickly and in a big way.
As the child cares more about people and can understand and follow directions better, you ease in rules that help him show more respect for other people, himself and things in his environment.
Once you have a child who just loves people and really wants to jump into the world, you teach him what is expected. He then does what is expected because he wants to fit into the world. He also is motivated by people so their appreciation and praise is a strong encouragement for him. Gaylen
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