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Posted By A Son-Rise Message Board Participant on November 27, 1999 at 17:55:36:
Dear Fellow Son-Rise Families,
Below is a story of how I was able to successfully (for a change!) apply some of the Option lessons of acceptance and gratitude in a recent situation. I hope you find it useful and meaningful.
Love, Paul
A couple months ago I spent the evening with a mom and dad who have a 5 year old boy with autism. They are considering undertaking dietary intervention with their son and wanted to hear me talk about our experience doing the same with our son. My son's speech therapist linked us up and also attended the meeting. The background story given me was that the mom was all gung-ho to try the special diet but the dad was dragging his feet. I was initially reluctant about getting myself in the middle of a marital feud but my friend assured me that the dad had assented to this "intervention".
When I first arrived, just the mom was home. She answered the door and immediately I could feel the sadness and tension in her heart by looking into her weary and fragile eyes. As I walked into the house, it was evident she felt awkward and grateful at the same time. The house was a living testament to how much this couple had given over their lives to the project of loving and healing their son. The sofa in the living room was pushed against the wall to make room for the only other piece of "furniture" in the room - a large trampoline the boy uses as part of sensory integration therapy. The kitchen counters and shelves were strewn with books and articles about autism. Picture schedules and other visual communication aids adorned the walls and refrigerator instead of the colorful scribbles and finger paintings you might see in a typically developing child's home. Although their son is 5 years old, the house was obviously "baby-proofed" to protect him as well as their belongings.
One author has said that learning your child has a developmental disability is similar in some ways to losing a child in that you mourn the "death of a dream." However, he notes that after a diagnosis of something like autism, there is no official period of mourning where friends and family rush to your side with support and comfort. Just the opposite is expected - you need to get moving on coping and intervention in spite of your feelings even as some friends and family withdraw out of fear and awkward discomfort. Grief can become chronic and cyclical.
As we chatted idly I said a prayer of thanks for being able to be there for them during one of my strong and positive feeling days even as my own heart recoiled a bit from the depth of her present state of mourning and hopelessness. I had been feeling so upbeat about our own situation with our son for a while now. I wondered if I would be able to maintain my own positive mindset in the face of their pain and sadness. I knew this evening would be a test of sorts as I prepare for a career in social work counseling...to see if I could help others without having my own pain get in the way.
Soon afterwards the dad showed up with the son and I went into the back yard with them while the mom did dishes. Sam (not the boy's real name) paced hurriedly back and forth along the length of the deck making high pitched squealing noises and engaging in complex whole-body jerking movements. Dad quickly warmed up as we shared and compared brief accounts of our son's diagnostic and treatment odysseys.
We eventually made our way inside and got Sam going on a video so we could talk. As I made my way through our story about our dietary intervention with our son, the father kept interrupting with skeptical questions. The mother seemed rapt but the father seemed to keep drifting off and lost in his own thoughts. I struggled to avoid getting into a confrontational mood and to just focus on sharing my story and letting it speak for itself. Yet I found myself feeling frustrated with what I was labeling in my mind as "foot dragging". In my head I knew that the greatest gift I could give him would be an attitude of respect and acceptance. Yet, in my heart I was feeling impatience, judgment and intolerance.
What turned it around for me was a flash of realizing that what I was reacting to in him are the same feelings I have hostility towards in myself when they crop up - denial, avoidance, lethargy and sadness. It sounds almost trite now, but the truth is that I was having a hard time accepting and loving that part of him that I have difficulty loving and accepting in my own self. Somehow , this awareness allowed me to shift my energy. I spent the last hour just sharing my story and answering their questions and hearing their concerns. When the time came to leave I felt unattached to the outcome (whether the dad would "come around" and support the dietary intervention). Rather, I felt at peace that the mutual sharing and understanding that had taken place between us was meaningful, healing and valuable in its own right - regardless of what it might or might not "lead to". This was a big step for me because I've always been so hyper goal oriented about everything in my life.
I left feeling even more buoyant and uplifted for having had the opportunity to share some time with this lovely family. So, at least this time around, I successfully met the challenge of maintaining my own positive energy in the face of others pain. In retrospect, I think the two keys to accomplishing this were self acceptance leading to other acceptance, and cultivating a sense of gratitude for the opportunity to cross paths and share with this family. I guess listening to all those Option tapes all the time is finally starting to pay off!
P.S. A few weeks ago I ran into a mutual acquaintance who informed me that the family did eventually implement the special diet and that it has had a dramatic impact on reducing his autistic symptoms and on increasing his overall physical vitality and health. Hooray for them!
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