Thoughts on Crying

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Posted By A Son-Rise Message Board Participant on November 19, 1999 at 01:16:09:

I had a wonderful team meeting tonight. Just one of my folks showed up, and
we watched a video Betsy had sent (THANK YOU BETSY!!) with a Q&A session by
Kate where she talked about being comfortable in the playroom when a child
is crying. Reminded me of some interesting Option principles I'd forgotten
about:

1) Just because we don't get all upset when someone else is in pain doesn't
mean we don't care.

2) Rather than getting all ruffled (thus entertaining and convinceable and
fast moving) when our children do things that push our buttons (like cry),
we could get all ruffled when they do something in place of that. And we
could get all un-ruffled when they try to push our buttons next time (thus
boring and useless and slow).

3) When children cry, they're just trying to get what they want - they're
not necessarily mad or angry or ticked off. That's something we're all
taught how to do, how to label the negative behavior that we perform in
order to get what we want. Let's not teach our children how to use
unhappiness to get what they want, and, if we wish, let's try to un-learn
this belief ourselves.

4) If you have some honest and helpful feedback to give someone that you
know will make them more effective with your child, do you give it to them?
Do you give it to them only if they seem like they'll take it in without
getting angry at you, or without beating themselves up for doing even worse
than they thought they did, or without deciding to leave your program? Are
we really doing anyone any favors if we hold back? Could we possibly be
totally loving and encouraging and present despite their actions, and go for
what we want by telling them what we want to say? We do it every day with
our kids, so why not with them?

I'm getting closer and closer to being the person I really want to be...

Love to all - K.

Follow Ups

Name:
Subject: Re: Thoughts on Crying

Comments:: I had a wonderful team meeting tonight. Just one of my folks showed up, and : we watched a video Betsy had sent (THANK YOU BETSY!!) with a Q&A session by : Kate where she talked about being comfortable in the playroom when a child : is crying. Reminded me of some interesting Option principles I'd forgotten : about: : 1) Just because we don't get all upset when someone else is in pain doesn't : mean we don't care. : 2) Rather than getting all ruffled (thus entertaining and convinceable and : fast moving) when our children do things that push our buttons (like cry), : we could get all ruffled when they do something in place of that. And we : could get all un-ruffled when they try to push our buttons next time (thus : boring and useless and slow). : 3) When children cry, they're just trying to get what they want - they're : not necessarily mad or angry or ticked off. That's something we're all : taught how to do, how to label the negative behavior that we perform in : order to get what we want. Let's not teach our children how to use : unhappiness to get what they want, and, if we wish, let's try to un-learn : this belief ourselves. : 4) If you have some honest and helpful feedback to give someone that you : know will make them more effective with your child, do you give it to them? : Do you give it to them only if they seem like they'll take it in without : getting angry at you, or without beating themselves up for doing even worse : than they thought they did, or without deciding to leave your program? Are : we really doing anyone any favors if we hold back? Could we possibly be : totally loving and encouraging and present despite their actions, and go for : what we want by telling them what we want to say? We do it every day with : our kids, so why not with them? : I'm getting closer and closer to being the person I really want to be... : Love to all - K.