Re: Siblings!

Posted By A Son-Rise Message Board Participant on October 14, 1999 at 16:36:37:

In Reply to: Siblings! posted byBarbara Dan on October 13, 1999 at 18:08:30:

Oh yes, a book/tape from Bryn - nice idea!!
We firmly believe that our kids are all blessed just as we are. My eldest daughter Holly has grown up to be so gentle and tolerant. I think Jack gave her some BIG opportunities along the way. We always explained to her how she was part of the team - helping him to break free from his difficulties and she loved being such an important member of such an important team. She was only young when Jack's programme was running but she learnt how to not react to him hitting her or teasing her, and we would praise her big time. Holly is now 7 and now that we're running a programme for her younger brother Toby she just knows what she's doing - she's a past expert! She even has her own 'Junior Checklist' to fill out when she has a turn in the playroom! And of course Jack has learned how not to react when Toby hits him or how to encourage him to look at him when he asks for something. [how the tables turn!] One of the most effective things we do I think is to have regular Family Meetings. Besides other 'matters arising' we always talk through how Toby is doing and how we want to go on helping him etc. This really helps Jack and Holly feel like they're part of this special team and have a valuable input into Toby's journey. They get a chance to talk through any behaviours that they find difficult with Toby and we can reassure them that it's ok that they lost their temper etc!! FInally i think it's really helpful to not feel sorry for the siblings of a 'special' child. That only gives fuel to any discomforts they're feeling and then they end up getting resentful, unhappy, intolerant, guilty etc etc. And finally finally, we do try to give special times to Jack and Holly too. We do all spend a lot of time together as all the kids are home-educated and so it's nice sometimes for me or Dave to take an hour or two out with just Holly or Jack. I think this helps keep a balance.
With love to all you wonderful parents and all those special siblings!
I'd love to hear any thoughts/tips from anyone else on this subject, Take care all, Shara

: Besides my special son I have two other children.
: One older, one younger. I would like to start a dialogue
: about what you all do to help your other children deal with
: having a special brother.
: I feel like we've been pretty successful at helping our
: other children. I tell my older son that he is very special
: because God knew we were going to have Andrew and He gave
: us Matthew first because He knew what a wonderful brother
: he would be. It has also occured to me lately that as we
: are experts on being parents of autistic children, my other
: children are experts on being a sibling of an autistic child.
: We have always given Matthew the freedom to express his
: feelings about Andrew (our other child is 20 months, she
: adores Andrew still) but realizing he is an expert gives me
: more respect for him. It helps me listen better. We also
: bought a book called A View from Our Shoes. It has a bunch of
: essays by kids with siblings with special needs.
: I would love input on this. I want to be the best mom I
: can be to ALL my children.
: I think Bryn should write a book about being a sibling of
: an autistic child. What do you guys think? (like she's not
: busy enough already!)
: I look forward to your comments.

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Subject: Re: Re: Siblings!

Comments:: Oh yes, a book/tape from Bryn - nice idea!! : We firmly believe that our kids are all blessed just as we are. My eldest daughter Holly has grown up to be so gentle and tolerant. I think Jack gave her some BIG opportunities along the way. We always explained to her how she was part of the team - helping him to break free from his difficulties and she loved being such an important member of such an important team. She was only young when Jack's programme was running but she learnt how to not react to him hitting her or teasing her, and we would praise her big time. Holly is now 7 and now that we're running a programme for her younger brother Toby she just knows what she's doing - she's a past expert! She even has her own 'Junior Checklist' to fill out when she has a turn in the playroom! And of course Jack has learned how not to react when Toby hits him or how to encourage him to look at him when he asks for something. [how the tables turn!] One of the most effective things we do I think is to have regular Family Meetings. Besides other 'matters arising' we always talk through how Toby is doing and how we want to go on helping him etc. This really helps Jack and Holly feel like they're part of this special team and have a valuable input into Toby's journey. They get a chance to talk through any behaviours that they find difficult with Toby and we can reassure them that it's ok that they lost their temper etc!! FInally i think it's really helpful to not feel sorry for the siblings of a 'special' child. That only gives fuel to any discomforts they're feeling and then they end up getting resentful, unhappy, intolerant, guilty etc etc. And finally finally, we do try to give special times to Jack and Holly too. We do all spend a lot of time together as all the kids are home-educated and so it's nice sometimes for me or Dave to take an hour or two out with just Holly or Jack. I think this helps keep a balance. : With love to all you wonderful parents and all those special siblings! : I'd love to hear any thoughts/tips from anyone else on this subject, Take care all, Shara : : Besides my special son I have two other children. : : One older, one younger. I would like to start a dialogue : : about what you all do to help your other children deal with : : having a special brother. : : I feel like we've been pretty successful at helping our : : other children. I tell my older son that he is very special : : because God knew we were going to have Andrew and He gave : : us Matthew first because He knew what a wonderful brother : : he would be. It has also occured to me lately that as we : : are experts on being parents of autistic children, my other : : children are experts on being a sibling of an autistic child. : : We have always given Matthew the freedom to express his : : feelings about Andrew (our other child is 20 months, she : : adores Andrew still) but realizing he is an expert gives me : : more respect for him. It helps me listen better. We also : : bought a book called A View from Our Shoes. It has a bunch of : : essays by kids with siblings with special needs. : : I would love input on this. I want to be the best mom I : : can be to ALL my children. : : I think Bryn should write a book about being a sibling of : : an autistic child. What do you guys think? (like she's not : : busy enough already!) : : I look forward to your comments.