Autism Treatment Center of America Forum

[Sepali Hettigoda]

My son aged 5 doesn't like joining when he is isiming.He is rocking, making lot of sounds and some other isims.When I am joining he looks at me and try to push me or refuse me.He wants to escape from me.What can I do? Pl help.
Sepali

[Son-Rise4Wales]

Hello Sepali,

I think it's really sad that you posted your question in August and no one has replied to you. I hope what I have to say will help you.

If you are joining your child, and he shows you he doesn't want you to join him or he pushes you away, then something is wrong with the way you are joining. There is probably something about your joining that is distracting or uncomfortable to him.

Firstly, you may be too close to your son. He may want more space, so if he pushes you away, quickly move further away, showing your son that he can have control of where you are in the room and showing him that you are excited about the fact that he communicated to you that he wanted you to move. You could say the word 'move' as you move away and move in a fun exciting way, and actually tell your son 'thank you for telling me to move.' Fell excited that he just communicated one of his needs to you!

Secondly, examine how you are joining your son. Are you following his actions and sounds accurately? And, most importantly, how do you feel when you join him?

When we went on our Son-Rise intensive, we were told that when we joined our son we should focus on the joining so that we could find something pleasurable or fascinating about the ism for ourselves. We were taught to experience Philip's world from his eyes if possible but also to love his isms so that when we were joining 'there was no where else and nothing else we would rather be doing'. Are you able to feel happy, relaxed, excited, fascinated etc when you join your son? When you can love his ism, he will see this in how you join, and your son will open up to you more.

Sepali, I hope this helps and I wish you much joy in joining your son. If you are struggling with this, I highly recommend you get a phone call with one of the family counselors. 'A dialogue' could transform your programme.

best wishes to you,
Anna

[SusanHumphries]

Sepali,

Anna's post is a wealth of input for joining your son. Thank you so much Anna.
We celebrate you being with your son by joining him in his unique and amazing world. When joining your son you want to send two very clear messages. You are accepting him fully for where he is in this moment and that you are giving him a great deal of control. This is why attitude is key. If you are relaxed and taking in your child's ism with delight and curiosity he will get a tangible message that what he is doing is acceptable and enjoyed by others. He will be able to view you as a more predictable person in his world if you are not trying to stop his ism or on top of him when he is exclusive. If you are more predictable and relaxed, your son will be more compelled to make social connections with you.

Try this out next time you are joining your sweet boy. Join him from 4-5 feet away. Try to match the ism as closely as possible because in joining your son in this way you will get a more accurate view of what he truly is interested in. Maybe it is a certain character in a book, a certain tone in his hum, a certain pace in his rocking. Later when your child shows you he is ready to interact with you can build off of his interest and make it come from you. Be willing to give control. Remember our children’s ism is a way to get control of their internal and external experiences. For example, if your child pushes you away or takes your ism toys you are going to give control. Give him the toys and easily move away even further. Remember what message you want to send to your son when you are joining. Allow yourself to be totally focused in on the ism and be aware that you are not starring at him so that he does not have a sense that you are expecting anything of him in this time.

Try the points that Anna and I have shared and please let us know how it goes. We also encourage you to post your thoughts and questions I am not certain why your previous post was not answered sooner. We have made some recent changes and now have even more Son Rise teachers and facilitators answering posts.

With fun and support,

Susan Humphries