Biting/hitting when a boundary is set!

Biting/hitting when a boundary is set!

Postby ecano » Mon Aug 29, 2011 5:51 pm

Hey Son-Rise buddies feeling a little frustrated...I have a 3 year old little boy and we have been in our playroom for about 5 mths and have several volunteers! So I had a consult about recent hitting and biting when we set a boundary on Orly in and out of playroom. The tips sounded good and we've tried the tactics. Problem is I feel problem is escalating and getting worse. I tried researching son-rise blog and videos on ATCA for more ideas but Orly seems to be getting worse no matter what we do! For example: He asks for a marker. We celebrate and give it to him. He then proceeds to color his trucks or toys instead of the paper on wall or erasable board. We give him a warning like, "orly we can only color on paper or board not our toys." He continues to color the truck. (in our consult we discussed how this was "damaging" property) I agree with this. So when we put marker on shelf aggressive tantrum begins with screaming, kicking, hitting me or volunteers with open hands on thighs, back or anywhere. And recently the last 3 days it includes biting hard on any part of your body. We have tried many things...We stay calm, put a pillow in front and slowly move away because he follows! We also have tried playing our own fun game w/ another item and giving him space...He will ram into us as he tries to bite even harder. We have tried backing up into a corner and explaining that hitting, biting will not get him the marker or paintbrush or lotion for example...Finally we have tried giving him a "chew" toy or item to let his frustration out on...All seem to have failed...He is biting and hitting harder and more often:/ FYI as he is screaming he says "want marker" or "brush" and he has done it w/ more than one volunteer and his dad! Therefore its not a failure of communication. Also we have tried distractions like "look want to take a nap with me or eat some yummy cupcake?" When he is done w/ tantrum he tells himself, "why you crying" Finally we have tried to watch our emotions, body language and attitude. But today it was a little much as he had 2 major tantrums for boundary setting...So anyways any ideas or tips would be amazing cause I'm feeling a little down today...
ecano
 
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Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:58 am

Re: Biting/hitting when a boundary is set!

Postby BeckyDamgaard » Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:59 am

Hi Evelyn,

It is great to get the opportunity to follow up with you since our consultation. I recognized that it was you as soon as I started reading this question. It sounds like you have all had a wonderful go at implementing the ideas and techniques we discussed, so a big thumbs up to you all for that!

What would really be a great way to get more specific input would be for you to bring a video of this happening to Maximum Impact which I know that you are coming to in a couple of weeks. That way you can book a session with a Son-Rise Program Teacher and we can see the boundary being set live to get the whole picture of how it looks. Although the techniques we discussed are really effective with many children, when setting boundaries like this one, they need to be done with great comfort, clarity and consistency with the while team, otherwise they can fall apart because there is a loop hole. So with out really seeing it in action and observing Orly's response, etc, you could say that we are guiding you somewhat blindly.

When we work with some children who come to our intensive, for example and we see that there are certain things that make a mess in the playroom (it sounds like it's mainly the markers, paintbrush and lotion), we might remove them al together from the playroom because the child is simply not ready to use those items in a way that is effective and you end up spending more time setting boundaries or cleaning up than creating forward moving activities with them. This would be however only after we have really observed the child and tried the techniques mentioned.

The other part to it is that Orly may be seeking more control and perhaps he has lost it in other areas as he progresses in his program. For example, maybe when he's lying down staring (you mentioned on our call), he is not being joined when that could appear that he is tired or bored, perhaps in fact he is isming and we would then really join him with that. I know you are also giving toilet training a go, so all these things need to be considered. Are we celebrating him and joining him enough and not over challenging him in other areas?

If it was just the markers that you were having an issue with then we might suggest getting washable markers and letting it go for now. Again, more information on what's happening would be needed for that.

If you like I can put you in touch with another Son-Rise Program Mom who is going through something similar and has just had some breakthroughs with it. Please do let me know.

I hope to see you at Max Impact!

Warm regards,

Becky
BeckyDamgaard
 
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Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Biting/hitting when a boundary is set!

Postby ecano » Thu Sep 22, 2011 10:42 pm

Awww thank you for replying Becky:) I can't believe I just saw it! Well thank goodness we are doing much better with boundary setting and tantrums! WE actually just use a stern straight voice and say: "orly do not hit me, I do not like that!" And things actually got better! We gave him some time with the issue as well! Thanks so much for your support and following up! I will definitely see you all at Max and bring more video:) HAve a great weekend!
:P Evelyn
ecano
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:58 am


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