Q&A session 4 with the Director of The
Son-Rise Program®, Bryn N. Hogan.
Topic: Crying and Screaming
Q: Dear Bryn (and
William and Molly and Raun and staff)
I hope you still remember me and Richard from The
Son-Rise Program® Start-up in Rotterdam.
I can tell you that we are very busy at this time. Only
one month after the course we are working with ten volunteers
(as I never could imagine before). The Sunday after
we came back Richard gave a very successful presentation
in a community center nearby our house and people were
moved by that. We have to thank you for the big inspiration
you gave us!!
At this moment I am already giving feedback for 4 weeks
now and it works out very well. Almost all of these
kind and enthusiastic people are flexible, open for
Son-Rise principles and attitude, some of them already
have read some books, viewed video tapes and are searching
for more information on Option methods for there own
problems in life. We are all learning a lot.
Dejana does very well with our volunteers, BUT... and
here is the question: Richard and I are getting all
the crying and screaming . She does it only with us,
why? What can we do? She even bites her own hand again,
this was one of the things from her past before Son-Rise.
When she hears the bell ringing knowing that one of
the volunteers is coming to play with her she immediately
stops that kind of behaviour and all is well again.
I am discouraged a little bit by this because I thought
this kind of behaviour was behind us. During our sessions
many times her eyes seem to disappear up under her eyelids
and she closes her eyes, like she is tired, did you
see that kind of behaviour before and do you have a
clue what it means?
Thank you very much for your time and attention, hope
to meet you again in the near future. Many greetings
from Richard and Dejana.
A: Dear Branka,
Yes - of course I do remember you! I am so excited that
you have found volunteers (I know in the past you were
hesitant about having people in your home) and that
you are feeling so strong about giving feedback and
expanding your team - good for you!
In terms of your question about her crying: Always first,
you want to focus on your attitude: How are you and
Richard feeling about her crying? Is it difficult for
you? You may want to spend a bit of time together perhaps
exploring this and seeing if you can find ways to be
even more at ease, more relaxed with this. Generally
speaking, we have seen that children often cry (this
is not a rule, but what we have generally seen) with
people who are somehow reacting to or supporting the
crying in some way. It would be useful to analyze your
responses: Do you move faster to get her what she wants
when she cries? Are there built-in benefits perhaps
to her crying that she might get from you? Do you change
in some way when she cries so that she would feel it
is an effective way to communicate? Have there been
times when she cries and then you stay longer? or open
the door etc? These questions will help you to determine
possible benefits she might get from this behavior.
Once you see ways in which you may be unwittingly supporting
her crying, you can then alter and change your behavior
to help her see it is not as useful to cry as it is
to try to communicate in other ways (words, gestures
etc.) You want to make sure that when she does communicate
without crying, that your reactions are excited, warm
and that you are very responsive to her desires during
this time. This will create a wonderful contrast for
her: When I cry, things move slowly, no benefits. When
I try to communicate in other ways - wow! Things sure
do happen fast and in a very excited way! This could
make a very profound difference for her, and for you.
In terms of her rolling her eyes back, again, I think
you may want to study this, as you would the above:
What is happening right before she does this? What do
people do when she does it? Do people become "concerned"
and therefore "tense" or "ill at ease" with her? If
so, then she can pick up on this, and also this will
alter the person's behavior. Again this shows her that
this may be an effective way to communicate something
with others. I would apply the above suggestions, to
these circumstances as well.
I hope this is helpful for you - please do write again
if you are wanting more support, and I would love to
hear how this works for you!
With warmest regards,
I hope that as the weeks
progress, I will have ample opportunity to answer all
the questions from everyone who is wanting support.
For me, this is another rare and unique opportunity
to offer our support and guidance to those who want
help. Thank you all for making this exciting exchange
possible through your participation. Please know you
can contact us by telephone to speak to a staff member
if you have more questions. Call us at: (413) 229-2100
Intro to Q&A Session
and Psychological Testing