The Unhappiness Compensation Cycle!
From William: We use many different wonderful ways of looking after ourselves, especially when it comes to ensuring that we stay emotionally feeling good. One particular way that I want to share with you is what I call the Unhappiness Compensation Cycle. It goes something like this:
We use many different wonderful ways of looking after ourselves, especially when it comes to ensuring that we stay emotionally feeling good. One particular way that I want to share with you is what I call the Unhappiness Compensation Approach. It goes something like this:
I feel uncomfortable in one area of my life, which I don't want to look at or pay attention to because if I do I will feel even more uncomfortable. (I'm discomfort-phobic!!)
I can't totally shake this uncomfortable feeling (it keeps following me around – even though I do my best to ignore it!!).
I go in search of something that I know will result in me giving myself a good feeling (i.e. eating, drinking, shopping, particular actions that will get me praise and love from others, etc.) - I go into unhappiness compensation mode!
The drawback of compensating in this way for an uncomfortable feeling is that after I have done any of these "feel good things" I am still left with my unhappiness. Most people do more and more of the "feel good things" to the point of personal detriment (i.e. over eating, over drinking, etc.) They then get into a cycle of compensating for this nagging, won't-go-away unhappy feeling by doing these "feel good things" over and over again - and in the end they end up harming themselves.
So, what's the solution? The solution is to look directly at what you are feeling unhappy about - to understand it - and then change the belief that fuels it.
This is exactly what a mother did recently during the Son-Rise Program Intensive. She was working with her child - but she pushed him to play her game, needing it to happen, and did not see that he was not connected or interested. She needed the interaction so that she would get praised and loved for making it happen. She needed the love because she was feeling upset in another area of her family life. She was trying to feel good in the only way she knew how - to do something else to compensate for not feeling good in that other area of her life.
After, during our feedback session, she chose to work out the underlying unhappiness in her family life that fueled her need and pushiness. As I dialogued her, she cried and talked about the situation and eventually came to a place of insight and then a place of peace. It was wonderful to see the change in her expression as she gave herself this feeling. She was brave to have looked at herself so honestly with a willingness to know who she was.
One of the beauties of the Son-Rise Program is that we come to understand how we can be happier through changing our beliefs (using the Option Process Dialogue) versus ignoring and avoiding our discomfort and creating a harmful compensation cycle!
Today - dare to look at a discomfort. Ask yourself a question or two (i.e. How do I feel? Why am I feeling this way? etc.) Dare to understand yourself a little more and learn to enjoy your life without having to compensate.
Love and smiles,
William
We use many different wonderful ways of looking after ourselves, especially when it comes to ensuring that we stay emotionally feeling good. One particular way that I want to share with you is what I call the Unhappiness Compensation Approach. It goes something like this:
I feel uncomfortable in one area of my life, which I don't want to look at or pay attention to because if I do I will feel even more uncomfortable. (I'm discomfort-phobic!!)
I can't totally shake this uncomfortable feeling (it keeps following me around – even though I do my best to ignore it!!).
I go in search of something that I know will result in me giving myself a good feeling (i.e. eating, drinking, shopping, particular actions that will get me praise and love from others, etc.) - I go into unhappiness compensation mode!
The drawback of compensating in this way for an uncomfortable feeling is that after I have done any of these "feel good things" I am still left with my unhappiness. Most people do more and more of the "feel good things" to the point of personal detriment (i.e. over eating, over drinking, etc.) They then get into a cycle of compensating for this nagging, won't-go-away unhappy feeling by doing these "feel good things" over and over again - and in the end they end up harming themselves.
So, what's the solution? The solution is to look directly at what you are feeling unhappy about - to understand it - and then change the belief that fuels it.
This is exactly what a mother did recently during the Son-Rise Program Intensive. She was working with her child - but she pushed him to play her game, needing it to happen, and did not see that he was not connected or interested. She needed the interaction so that she would get praised and loved for making it happen. She needed the love because she was feeling upset in another area of her family life. She was trying to feel good in the only way she knew how - to do something else to compensate for not feeling good in that other area of her life.
After, during our feedback session, she chose to work out the underlying unhappiness in her family life that fueled her need and pushiness. As I dialogued her, she cried and talked about the situation and eventually came to a place of insight and then a place of peace. It was wonderful to see the change in her expression as she gave herself this feeling. She was brave to have looked at herself so honestly with a willingness to know who she was.
One of the beauties of the Son-Rise Program is that we come to understand how we can be happier through changing our beliefs (using the Option Process Dialogue) versus ignoring and avoiding our discomfort and creating a harmful compensation cycle!
Today - dare to look at a discomfort. Ask yourself a question or two (i.e. How do I feel? Why am I feeling this way? etc.) Dare to understand yourself a little more and learn to enjoy your life without having to compensate.
Love and smiles,
William
Labels: Attitude, Inspiration, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Parents, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
1:49 PM
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Friday, February 26, 2010
From William: It was Magic!
I have just come out of our Son-Rise Program playroom, where I worked/played with a wonderful boy with autism. I feel so bless and honored to have been with him. We jumped around, chewed on chew toys, stared at spinning objects, shared eye contact, he rode on my back and let me bounce him up into the sky. We spoke, laughed and were also completely silent. I rolled on the floor, pretended to jump on a trampoline and at times stood still starring off across the room…every moment was magic!
Enjoy your time in your playroom with your child.
Love and Smiles
William
Enjoy your time in your playroom with your child.
Love and Smiles
William
Labels: Attitude, Environment, Fun and Games, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
12:16 PM
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
From William: Truly Giving or Saving Yourself!!
Truly Giving or Saving Yourself!!
As I have continued to dialogue about my own feelings and beliefs as well as mentoring Son-Rise Program parents, a particular perspective on caring for and giving to others has formulated. I find the perspective helpful as I continue my journey of deepening my acceptance and happiness with life.
The perspective goes something like this: Caring for and giving to others can be broken down into two distinct types. (Remember I am not talking about the truth - only my perspective, which is belief-based.)
The first type is a caring and a giving that is based on accepting, loving and wanting the best for the other person. It is a giving that comes from the joy of caring for this person and requires nothing back in return, because the giving itself feels good and is in agreement with how you want to live your life.
As I have continued to dialogue about my own feelings and beliefs as well as mentoring Son-Rise Program parents, a particular perspective on caring for and giving to others has formulated. I find the perspective helpful as I continue my journey of deepening my acceptance and happiness with life.
The perspective goes something like this: Caring for and giving to others can be broken down into two distinct types. (Remember I am not talking about the truth - only my perspective, which is belief-based.)
The first type is a caring and a giving that is based on accepting, loving and wanting the best for the other person. It is a giving that comes from the joy of caring for this person and requires nothing back in return, because the giving itself feels good and is in agreement with how you want to live your life.
The second type is caring and giving that is based on saving yourself! This is best understood within an example. So let's say your partner wants the family to go and spend the afternoon with his/her parents and you really do not want to go, because you don't get on with the in-laws. You decide to go along with what your partner is asking for based on the saving-yourself type of giving. Your possible belief mechanism could be as follows - you go because you don't want your partner to get unhappy with You. You believe when they are unhappy with you they are not loving you, and not affirming that you are a good person (or that you are alone.) This does not feel good to you and so as a way to avoid (save yourself from) feeling bad about yourself you go to your in-laws house, so your partner stays happy and loving towards you!! You appear giving and caring, yet you really go because this is the only way you know to continue feeling good about who you are. When we give in this way, we can ultimately end up resenting our partner for "making" us go - yet really we are resenting ourselves for operating in this way.
The key to letting go of the saving-yourself type of giving is to accept that you are doing the best you can. Then, work toward feeling relaxed and good about yourself, even if your partner (or other people in your life) are unhappy with you and the choices you make.
Remember, it is a worthy cause to be happier in your life for it will lead you to be a more loving and caring person - consider it as a gift to the world.
With much love and smiles,
William
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
12:12 PM
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Friday, February 12, 2010
Socialization: The Doorway to All Areas of Development
Using The Son-Rise Program will help your child in all area's of development.
We have a beautiful young girl in our Son-Rise Program Intensive this week, who not only has autism but also epilepsy which results in her having difficulty standing up, going up and down stairs, being unsteady on her feet, etc..
As the week has progressed we have seen that she has become more skilled and able in using her body. At the beginning of the week she could not go down the slide by herself without her falling off it - now she slides down unaided, smiling and laughing all the way down. It is wonderful to see.
Again and again I see and hear stories like this - when using the Son-Rise Program and helping a child learn to enjoy and socialize more strongly with others (the pivotal area of child development), they also grow in other developmental areas like cognitive, self-help, gross and fine motor skills.
Enjoy your child as they discover themselves, you and the rest of the world.
Love and smiles,
William
p.s. Would love to hear similar stories like this that have happened as you have run your Son-Rise Program with your child.
We have a beautiful young girl in our Son-Rise Program Intensive this week, who not only has autism but also epilepsy which results in her having difficulty standing up, going up and down stairs, being unsteady on her feet, etc..
As the week has progressed we have seen that she has become more skilled and able in using her body. At the beginning of the week she could not go down the slide by herself without her falling off it - now she slides down unaided, smiling and laughing all the way down. It is wonderful to see.
Again and again I see and hear stories like this - when using the Son-Rise Program and helping a child learn to enjoy and socialize more strongly with others (the pivotal area of child development), they also grow in other developmental areas like cognitive, self-help, gross and fine motor skills.
Enjoy your child as they discover themselves, you and the rest of the world.
Love and smiles,
William
p.s. Would love to hear similar stories like this that have happened as you have run your Son-Rise Program with your child.
Labels: Fun and Games, Self-Help Skills, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
8:30 AM
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Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Being Hit & Punched and Love and Acceptance!!
Step 1. Don't Light Up Like a Christmas Tree!!
I just spoke to a mother on the phone this morning who wants to come to the Son-Rise Program Start-Up. One of the issues she wanted help with regarding her son, who is 5 yrs old, was the fact that he is aggressive towards her, hitting, punching and biting her. This is part of what I shared with her, which I thought would be a great reminder to you all. Enjoy.
I just spoke to a mother on the phone this morning who wants to come to the Son-Rise Program Start-Up. One of the issues she wanted help with regarding her son, who is 5 yrs old, was the fact that he is aggressive towards her, hitting, punching and biting her. This is part of what I shared with her, which I thought would be a great reminder to you all. Enjoy.
- Don't light up like a Christmas Tree: Getting annoyed or frustrated and angrily telling your child to "stop it", "it hurts", "that's bad," etc., in most situations, will encourage them to do this behavior more. Do your best to be as low energy as possible as you do #2 below.
- Look after Yourself: Love and acceptance does not mean you sit there while your child "beats the crap out of you!" Part of love and acceptance is wanting the best for yourself and your child. Take action - stand up if you are sitting down, get a cushion or big ball and put it in between you and your child; if they are trying to bite you - offer them something to chew on, etc. Bottom line - look after yourself and help your child channel their energy into something that would help them and also keep you from getting hit, bitten, etc.
- Run your Son-Rise Program: Each hour, each day you run your Son-Rise Program will be time spent helping your child develop their ability to interact and socialize more appropriately, which in turn helps them handle the over stimulation of day to day life and especially those situations where they do not get what they want. Many families have reported that when they started running their Son-Rise Program their child's "aggressive" behaviors greatly reduce or stopped all together.
If you want more information on handling such behaviors go to our homepage at http://www.autismtreatmentcenter.org/ , scrowl down the page and watch webinar #13 call Aggressive Behaviors.
Have the best time helping yourself and your child.
Much love to you
William
Labels: Aggressive Behaviors, Attitude, Training Programs, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
9:04 AM
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Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Photographs of Your Wonderful Volunteer Team Wanted!
We are currently in the process of creating a video presentation of the Volunteer talk from the Start-Up program. When completed it will be put up on our ATCA website for families, who have attended the Start-Up, to re-watch and be reminded about "why to get volunteers?", "How to get them?", "Screening potential volunteers", etc. We are very excited about doing this.
As part of the video we would like to show photographs of families from all around the world pictured with their wonderful volunteer team. So if you have one volunteer or 10 volunteers please email us a fun picture of you and them together. If you want, but not necessary, your child could also be in the photo.
Please send the photo as an attachment to your email as a JPEG (jpg) file. In the email state your full name, your child's age and diagnosis, your location in the world (city & country) and how many volunteers you have.
Send the photo to me at: william@option.org
Thank you so much for supporting this video project and being an inspiration to other families.
With smiles and appreciation
William
As part of the video we would like to show photographs of families from all around the world pictured with their wonderful volunteer team. So if you have one volunteer or 10 volunteers please email us a fun picture of you and them together. If you want, but not necessary, your child could also be in the photo.
Please send the photo as an attachment to your email as a JPEG (jpg) file. In the email state your full name, your child's age and diagnosis, your location in the world (city & country) and how many volunteers you have.
Send the photo to me at: william@option.org
Thank you so much for supporting this video project and being an inspiration to other families.
With smiles and appreciation
William
Labels: Training Programs, Volunteers, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
2:13 PM
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Monday, October 26, 2009
The SON-RISE LIFE!!!
Enjoy this wonderful song written and performed with delight and enthusiasm by our Son-Rise Program Maximum Impact participants.
At our Son-Rise Program Advanced Training courses, each parent learns nitty-gritty specifics of how to help their child (or "children" as a number of the parents you see singing have 2 autistic children) but more importantly get re-energised, re-inspired and motivated for the next step in their Son-Rise Program journey.
I hope you enjoy this song as I did when they first sang it to me before starting class one day.
Smiles and celebrations
William
At our Son-Rise Program Advanced Training courses, each parent learns nitty-gritty specifics of how to help their child (or "children" as a number of the parents you see singing have 2 autistic children) but more importantly get re-energised, re-inspired and motivated for the next step in their Son-Rise Program journey.
I hope you enjoy this song as I did when they first sang it to me before starting class one day.
Smiles and celebrations
William
Labels: 3Es, Training Programs, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
6:48 AM
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
UK Maximum Impact - Wonderful Week
Wonderful and Amazing Time at the UK Maximum Impact Program
I have just returned from teaching the Son-Rise Program Advance Training - "Maximum Impact". It was incredible to be in a room with over 120 parents and caring helpers as they strived to be more accepting of themselves and their children, as they worked to understand how best to apply the techniques to help their child develop, and as they celebrated and delighted in each other.
It was a great week, the moms and dads who attended all left recharge, re-inspired and with clear clarity of purpose of where to go next in their Son-Rise Programs.
For all those that attended the program - moms, dads, volunteers, and the support staff - thank you, I left feeling inspired and honored that I was apart of this week.
Smiles and appreciation
William
I have just returned from teaching the Son-Rise Program Advance Training - "Maximum Impact". It was incredible to be in a room with over 120 parents and caring helpers as they strived to be more accepting of themselves and their children, as they worked to understand how best to apply the techniques to help their child develop, and as they celebrated and delighted in each other.
It was a great week, the moms and dads who attended all left recharge, re-inspired and with clear clarity of purpose of where to go next in their Son-Rise Programs.
For all those that attended the program - moms, dads, volunteers, and the support staff - thank you, I left feeling inspired and honored that I was apart of this week.
Smiles and appreciation
William
Labels: Celebrations, Training Programs, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
Suspending Disbelief
Suspending your disbelief works not only for when you are watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince but also when working with your autistic child. With Harry Potter we do so to enjoy it to the fullest. We can alos do this with our autistic children and even go a step further by taking on a new belief - that we can help our child profound grow, develop and possibly recover from autism. In doing this you suspend the belief that most of the world holds - a child with autism cannot be help very much. Then you empower yourself with the thought that yes you can make a difference. I talk to Son-Rise Program parents every week who have done this and in doing so have create amazing growth in there child and also enjoyed the journey. It all starts with changing our beliefs.
Enjoy suspending and changing your beliefs
love William Read more!
Enjoy suspending and changing your beliefs
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
2:40 PM
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Thursday, July 9, 2009
Relaxing with Resistance
The core of the Son-Rise Program is the attitude, in which a non-judgmental, accepting and loving attitude is the foundation of helping an autistic child learn to interact and socialize more consistently and deeply. To live a happier life is to be more non-judgmental, accepting and loving of who you are - no matter what. Developing this attitude, for ourselves or for our Son-Rise Program, requires an openness to looking at what we think (believe) and feel. As a Son-Rise Program Teacher I have seen trainees, parents and volunteers all be resistant to looking at their discomfort, there are times when I am resistant to looking at myself. It is at times like these that I stop and simply acknowledge and accept my resistance - "yes I am being resistant, I don't want to face my discomfort and that's OK, I don't have to judge myself about this." I start with accepting the fact that I am resistant (this is a form of unhappiness.) It is the best place to start - to relax with your resistance.
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
7:53 AM
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Thursday, July 2, 2009
Enjoying another Person - Bigger than Speaking
This week we have a family from french speaking Canada attending our one week Son-Rise Program Intensive. Their child, a wonderful 6 year old girl with autism, is verbal and speaks french so we work with her using a translator. At lunch times the translator will take a break leaving us to facilitate with the young girl without language translation.
This always happens when we have a non-english speaking child and what always amazes me and is beautiful to see, is how the caring, the love and the ability to interact is not hindered by not knowing each others language. The ability to enjoy another person, to love them and care for them does not require us to be able to speak their language or for them to speak our language (this also applies to "not yet verbal" children). No matter what, I can always show and inspire children and adults, on the autism spectrum, the joys of interacting and socializing with another person. Read more!
This always happens when we have a non-english speaking child and what always amazes me and is beautiful to see, is how the caring, the love and the ability to interact is not hindered by not knowing each others language. The ability to enjoy another person, to love them and care for them does not require us to be able to speak their language or for them to speak our language (this also applies to "not yet verbal" children). No matter what, I can always show and inspire children and adults, on the autism spectrum, the joys of interacting and socializing with another person. Read more!
posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
12:56 PM
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Friday, June 12, 2009
Parenting - Useful Perspective
Last night Bryn and I were having dinner with Jade and Malik and we had a great conversation about dying. Jade and Malik had just come back from working at a local stables that works with special children and adults. It is a wonderful place where the horses, having been rescued from in-humane conditions, are give wonderful work, the opportunity to play and be loved by all who go there. Yesterday one of the horses who had been there for many years had to be put down due to old age and the challenges she was having.
During dinner we talked about how wonderful it was for the horse to be surrounded by people who loved her as she died. We then talked about what we wanted for when we die and the fact that we will all die at some point. We talked about how great Buddhist master can choose exactly when they are going to die and about the deaths that Bryn and I have been at. Both Jade, 13yrs old, and Malik, 12 yrs old, openly listened, asked questions, and participated easily and comfortable in the conversation.
I feel blessed to be able to sit and talk to them about such a topic, a topic that can be looked at with such fear and aversion. It was wonderful to be able to offer them a perspective that will help them navigate this situation that will come up in their life in many different ways. I love this aspect of parenting. Read more!
During dinner we talked about how wonderful it was for the horse to be surrounded by people who loved her as she died. We then talked about what we wanted for when we die and the fact that we will all die at some point. We talked about how great Buddhist master can choose exactly when they are going to die and about the deaths that Bryn and I have been at. Both Jade, 13yrs old, and Malik, 12 yrs old, openly listened, asked questions, and participated easily and comfortable in the conversation.
I feel blessed to be able to sit and talk to them about such a topic, a topic that can be looked at with such fear and aversion. It was wonderful to be able to offer them a perspective that will help them navigate this situation that will come up in their life in many different ways. I love this aspect of parenting. Read more!
posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
9:14 AM
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Tuesday, June 9, 2009
One Joy of a Son-Rise Program Training Course
This photo was taken during our advanced training program - New Frontiers, in the UK.
I enjoy many things about teaching in our Son-Rise Program training courses, especial those times when parents, volunteers and caring professionals get together in small groups to brainstorm and support one another.
It is wonderful to see them come up with idea's to help another parent's child, to get solutions for the challenges they face, to encourage each other and ultimately to believe a little bit more in the possibilities for themselves, their family and their autistic child(ren).
As always it is an honor to work with all the family's and the individuals that help them.
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
11:37 AM
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Friday, May 22, 2009
Being Present and Appreciating the Current Moment
Now when it comes to work I find it easy to be present and focused on what I am doing, whether working with a parent helping them learn the Son-Rise Program, teaching a trainee, editing an interview, handling my emails, etc. It is the in between times, when I have not chosen any specific thing to focus on, that I will spend my time thinking about unimportant things like getting window shades, when to service the cars, did I do the bills, etc. At first it feels like this thinking is just happening to me, but I know differently - I am choosing to focus on this unimportant stuff. Looking further into why I choose to spend my time thinking about these things I realise that I do this to avoid being present and fully appreciative of the current moment. This is good to know about myself - I will change this.
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
5:27 AM
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Relaxing with a Possible Unwanted Future
We have just returned from teaching the Son-Rise Program New Frontiers training course in the UK. It was an incredible week. I was very inspired by all the people who attended the program - there were moms, dads, volunteers, sisters, an aunte, a pastor etc. all coming together to focus on loving their special child/adult and learning more specific techniques to inspire growth in them.
As in all the training courses there is time dedicated to helping families feel more comfort, relaxed and empowered as they run their Son-Rise Programs. This course was no different, and mid-week one of the issue that was talked about, dialogued and discussed was the "fear for my child's future when I am not here." It was beautiful to see the changes people made through facing this fear and allowing themselves to relax right now and then ultimately to be more present and effective when working with their child.
I remember their was a point in our Son-Rise Program with our daughter Jade, when Bryn and I stopped and look at a possible future where Jade was still special and required care - she had been isming and exclusive for an extended period of time. We talk, dialogue, discussed, cried and ultimately came to a deep sense of peace about it - and then the next day we got up and continued to run our Son-Rise Program, feeling more present and ready for the journey with our precious little girl.
Thank you all who attend New Frontiers - it was an honor to be there with you.
Love William
As in all the training courses there is time dedicated to helping families feel more comfort, relaxed and empowered as they run their Son-Rise Programs. This course was no different, and mid-week one of the issue that was talked about, dialogued and discussed was the "fear for my child's future when I am not here." It was beautiful to see the changes people made through facing this fear and allowing themselves to relax right now and then ultimately to be more present and effective when working with their child.
I remember their was a point in our Son-Rise Program with our daughter Jade, when Bryn and I stopped and look at a possible future where Jade was still special and required care - she had been isming and exclusive for an extended period of time. We talk, dialogue, discussed, cried and ultimately came to a deep sense of peace about it - and then the next day we got up and continued to run our Son-Rise Program, feeling more present and ready for the journey with our precious little girl.
Thank you all who attend New Frontiers - it was an honor to be there with you.
Love William
Labels: Attitude, Training Programs, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Friday, April 17, 2009
A Work In Progress, for the rest of my life
I have had many years of learning to let go of what I don't want, and going after what I do want in a clear and passionate way, both at work (as a teacher and trainer in The Son-Rise Program) and in my personal life. I am feeling pretty good at it at this stage of my life - letting go, feeling comfortable and going for what I want. However the other day I was reminded that I am a work in progress.
It's Saturday morning, Bryn has gone over a friends house to oversee a multi-family tag sale that we are participating in, and I am left to get Jade and Malik fed, ready and out the door to take then to a local stables where they help, all day. Of course my day is all booked and nicely scheduled to get everything done that I want to. I have to drop Jade and Malik off, go to the bank, deliver stuff for the tag sale, play a soccer game in the over 40's league I am in, pick up the weekly shopping on the way home and finally go to a fund-raising Hoe-Down (country dancing where you "take your partner by the hand...doe-see-doe them over the right shoulder...etc.") in the evening. I am just throwing the last load of tag sale stuff into the back of the van when both Jade and Malik walk out of the house and close the front door behind them. Malik says to me "Do you have your keys dad?" to which I reply, "I don’t think so but the door should be open". He then tries the door and it is locked!! At first I reassure myself that I have the keys and calmly look in my pockets and then in the ignition of the van. They are nowhere to be seen, which meant they were in the house behind the locked door!! At this point I start to walk around the house looking at all the ground floor windows and I am telling myself "It's ok, a window will be open, all’s good." They were all nicely closed and locked and at this moment I start see the plan of my day, that I had laid out so well, start to fall apart - at this point I start to get frustrated, saying a few choice words, even being annoyed at myself for closing all the windows and making it hard for me to break into my own house (well I wasn't the clearest thinking person right then!) Fortunately there was a window slightly open on the second floor (we have no nearby neighbors or available ladder) and I had to be willing to risk breaking a leg if I slipped trying to get to it. Being undeterred and "needing" (yes "needing" to get what I want) I climb on a lawn bench, that I propped against the house, up onto a door over hang and after 5 minutes of pushing the screen out of the window I open it and climb in. At this point my frustration turns to relief because I was still going to get what I wanted - my day was going to go as I planned. I come out through the front door holding the van and house keys high above my head like the conquering hero that I thought I was! My plan was still intact and my happiness nicely sorted out. As we drove down the road, I say to the kids "Ok guys we can relax now it worked out" whereby Malik says to me "We are relaxed Dad, its you who were upset!"
He was right, even though it had all worked out in the end, I had decided to get upset when it looked like I would not get what I wanted and yet both Jade and Malik, who were excited about going to the stables, had decide to stay comfortable and easy with the same situation. It was a great reminder that part of life is about learning to let go and relaxing when faced with the possibility of not getting what you want or the times when you clearly do not get what you want (not letting the situation determine whether I am going to be happy or not). To tell the truth what I got upset about was pretty small compared to the situations in my life that I have learned to let go and relax (the situations and event were most definitely not what I wanted). How I decide to feel about any situation that I am faced with is a moment-to-moment decision - I am always deciding, whether I acknowledge that or not.
So I am happy to say I am a 'work in progress' and because I am deciding how I want to feel in each and every moment that I am a live, I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life.
It's Saturday morning, Bryn has gone over a friends house to oversee a multi-family tag sale that we are participating in, and I am left to get Jade and Malik fed, ready and out the door to take then to a local stables where they help, all day. Of course my day is all booked and nicely scheduled to get everything done that I want to. I have to drop Jade and Malik off, go to the bank, deliver stuff for the tag sale, play a soccer game in the over 40's league I am in, pick up the weekly shopping on the way home and finally go to a fund-raising Hoe-Down (country dancing where you "take your partner by the hand...doe-see-doe them over the right shoulder...etc.") in the evening. I am just throwing the last load of tag sale stuff into the back of the van when both Jade and Malik walk out of the house and close the front door behind them. Malik says to me "Do you have your keys dad?" to which I reply, "I don’t think so but the door should be open". He then tries the door and it is locked!! At first I reassure myself that I have the keys and calmly look in my pockets and then in the ignition of the van. They are nowhere to be seen, which meant they were in the house behind the locked door!! At this point I start to walk around the house looking at all the ground floor windows and I am telling myself "It's ok, a window will be open, all’s good." They were all nicely closed and locked and at this moment I start see the plan of my day, that I had laid out so well, start to fall apart - at this point I start to get frustrated, saying a few choice words, even being annoyed at myself for closing all the windows and making it hard for me to break into my own house (well I wasn't the clearest thinking person right then!) Fortunately there was a window slightly open on the second floor (we have no nearby neighbors or available ladder) and I had to be willing to risk breaking a leg if I slipped trying to get to it. Being undeterred and "needing" (yes "needing" to get what I want) I climb on a lawn bench, that I propped against the house, up onto a door over hang and after 5 minutes of pushing the screen out of the window I open it and climb in. At this point my frustration turns to relief because I was still going to get what I wanted - my day was going to go as I planned. I come out through the front door holding the van and house keys high above my head like the conquering hero that I thought I was! My plan was still intact and my happiness nicely sorted out. As we drove down the road, I say to the kids "Ok guys we can relax now it worked out" whereby Malik says to me "We are relaxed Dad, its you who were upset!"
He was right, even though it had all worked out in the end, I had decided to get upset when it looked like I would not get what I wanted and yet both Jade and Malik, who were excited about going to the stables, had decide to stay comfortable and easy with the same situation. It was a great reminder that part of life is about learning to let go and relaxing when faced with the possibility of not getting what you want or the times when you clearly do not get what you want (not letting the situation determine whether I am going to be happy or not). To tell the truth what I got upset about was pretty small compared to the situations in my life that I have learned to let go and relax (the situations and event were most definitely not what I wanted). How I decide to feel about any situation that I am faced with is a moment-to-moment decision - I am always deciding, whether I acknowledge that or not.
So I am happy to say I am a 'work in progress' and because I am deciding how I want to feel in each and every moment that I am a live, I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life.
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
5:39 AM
2 Comments
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Embracing Change
Everything is changing, this you probably know. Now, for some things, we like to think it just happens to other people, they are changing and we are not. Yet life is really good at gently or not so gently reminding us that change happens to us all. Take for instance our physical body, I play soccer in an over 40s league and during the winter we practice indoors, the game is fast moving and lots of fun. When I am playing I am focused, running with the ball, tackling, defending and scoring a goal or two. My body is mine to control and put wherever I want it to go! The next day is another matter all together, my muscles ache, my toe hurts, my knee joints are stiff, it hurts to walk up the stairs etc. It is at this time I am acutely aware that my body is changing too, when I was in my 20s I did not feel any of what I am feeling now or for as long (sometimes I can feel sore for up to 3 days after practice!!). It is humbling and yet if there is one thing I have learned in using the Son-Rise Program, personally and as a teacher, it is that I get to choose how to greet and be with whatever comes into my life, from the small opportunities, like having to get rid of ants in the kitchen, to the big, like having a daughter with autism. I am not sure where a body that is changing (aging) fits in, whether it is a small, big or somewhere in between opportunity, but never the less it is a changing part of my world that I will endeavor to be relaxed with and ultimately enjoy.
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
12:14 PM
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Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Who do we want to be - it's our choice
We have just finished teaching a Son-Rise Program advanced training, Maximum Impact, and as always it was a great week. I love these programs, being with parents and volunteers who are so excited to grow and change themselves, seeking to be the best of who they are so they can profoundly help their children. I must say that as they learn, so do I (a benefit of doing what I do, I feel I have one of the best jobs on the planet). In this program I reaffirmed the idea that who we are is because of the choices we have made and continue to make. This is empowering, that who am and how I show up to my life is completely in my hands. I want to be a more grateful and celebratory person, yet if I do not stop and make the choice to appreciate or feel good about another person or myself or an event, etc. then I will never grow that part of myself. I have to be willing to stop what I am doing, to let it go, so that I can take a moment to choose to feel good about something that I value in my life. So, each day I am now stopping to do exactly this, to feel grateful about something in my life.
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
7:16 AM
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