From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman): ODE TO SAMAHRIA
ODE TO SAMAHRIA: By Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman - Son-Rise Program Co-Originator). Complete Version.
Samahria picked me to love when she was 17. When I presented my writing and ideas with intensity, she tickled me and laughed. When I hesitated, she said "jump." When Raun became autistic, she joined him in his world (in a small bathroom) and helped us begin a three-and-a-half year journey that created a treatment revolution (The Son-Rise Program®) for children with autism. When I suggested adopting yet another child of trauma as a way to express our gratitude for our blessings, she said "when?" When we started the Institute, she worked with me side-by-side as we created classes and curriculum as well as cleaned buildings and made beds for arriving participants. When I have written my books about our work with families and children and what we and our staff teach to adults (Option Process®), she has been more than my sounding board but my editor and biggest fan (and co-writer of one of those books and co-screenwriter of the Son-Rise movie). When I asked her to climb down a rope ladder on an ocean-liner during a storm in order to help my dying father, she took a deep breath, pushed through her fear and lowered herself right after me into a tiny fishing boat bobbing in the icy waves off the coast of Alaska.
And, when I am tired at night after teaching, doing sessions and meeting with staff all day (just as she had done), Samahria strolls into my office where I am still working, takes my hand gently and invites me to choose life and go to sleep. We're all blessed for a multitude of reasons. Helping individuals, families and children as best we can for decades is a continuous highlight of our lives. But my greatest blessing is to be loved by my very special life-long bride and best friend and sweet mama to all our children -- she loves me like no other, inspires me to do my best and builds bridges with me to our dreams.
Samahria picked me to love when she was 17. When I presented my writing and ideas with intensity, she tickled me and laughed. When I hesitated, she said "jump." When Raun became autistic, she joined him in his world (in a small bathroom) and helped us begin a three-and-a-half year journey that created a treatment revolution (The Son-Rise Program®) for children with autism. When I suggested adopting yet another child of trauma as a way to express our gratitude for our blessings, she said "when?" When we started the Institute, she worked with me side-by-side as we created classes and curriculum as well as cleaned buildings and made beds for arriving participants. When I have written my books about our work with families and children and what we and our staff teach to adults (Option Process®), she has been more than my sounding board but my editor and biggest fan (and co-writer of one of those books and co-screenwriter of the Son-Rise movie). When I asked her to climb down a rope ladder on an ocean-liner during a storm in order to help my dying father, she took a deep breath, pushed through her fear and lowered herself right after me into a tiny fishing boat bobbing in the icy waves off the coast of Alaska.
And, when I am tired at night after teaching, doing sessions and meeting with staff all day (just as she had done), Samahria strolls into my office where I am still working, takes my hand gently and invites me to choose life and go to sleep. We're all blessed for a multitude of reasons. Helping individuals, families and children as best we can for decades is a continuous highlight of our lives. But my greatest blessing is to be loved by my very special life-long bride and best friend and sweet mama to all our children -- she loves me like no other, inspires me to do my best and builds bridges with me to our dreams.
Labels: Attitude, Bears, Celebrations, Samahria
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posted by (Bears) Barry Neil Kaufman, Founder, Option Inst. at
9:46 AM
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
Misunderstood? Judged? Maligned?
How often have you felt misunderstood or judged - and felt frustrated, hurt or defensive about what someone has said to you or about you?
I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other person maintains their original point of view that we believe is not true. When we work with couples in our CouplesCourse Program, this is a common area of discomfort. Essentially, the important point is that we cannot change another person or their perspectives unless they choose to change it. We can't make them believe what we believe. And the desire on our part may be for the other person to agree with us - and if they don't, WE MAY BELIEVE THAT'S BAD FOR US. So if you're doing a Son-Rise Program, your partner may not agree with you or support you the way you want to be supported, or you may have relatives that think you should be doing something else, or may not understand. The trick is to let go of "needing" others to understand, agree or accept us. Whew! That's a biggie!
But imagine we can decide to have the perspective that, whatever the other person is doing, is actually happening to help us learn to be stronger, less needy, and more trusting of our own ideas and actions. Wouldn't that feel a lot better than the frustration and hurt?!
But what is the most productive, comfortable place for us to be in ourselves when this occurs?
1) Understand that we don't have the power to change anyone (our parents, our partners, our friends, and even our children) and if they DO change, (we may have spent time explaining, sharing, pleading) they still decided to change themselves; we didn't make them change.
2) Use it as an opportunity to understand ourselves more, and supply to ourselves what we are looking to the other person to give us.
3) If it bothers us that we're misunderstood or judged, then it's important to explore that discomfort with questions like: "Why do I need this person to understand me or not judge me?" (May sound crazy, but it will probably relate to a way in which we are judging ourselves and looking to the other person to love/support us or be accepting of us - SO WE CAN ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES.) Take a look. Could prove very eye-opening.
4) Know you don't have to defend yourself nor feel something is wrong with you if you're misunderstood, judged or maligned. It's really about THE OTHER PERSON and the perspective(s) they choose FOR THEIR REASONS, which has nothing to do with you; they do it for their reasons (to take care of themselves).
5) First get comfortable about what they're doing and how you're feeling - and then, if there's something to do to take care of yourself (e.g. try a different tact, talk to others about your perspective, brainstorm how you can use the situation to become a happier, more effective person, etc. - let us help you get through your situation by doing an Option Process Dialogue), and then comfortably go for it.
You don't want your happiness and trust of life to be dependent on what another person does. There will always be those who make choices that appear to be against what you want. If, however, we use each one toward the enhancement of ourselves, we win (no matter what they do). Take the high road and welcome these people into your life - because they are the ones from which you will most likely learn the most.
With my love,
Samahria
I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other person maintains their original point of view that we believe is not true. When we work with couples in our CouplesCourse Program, this is a common area of discomfort. Essentially, the important point is that we cannot change another person or their perspectives unless they choose to change it. We can't make them believe what we believe. And the desire on our part may be for the other person to agree with us - and if they don't, WE MAY BELIEVE THAT'S BAD FOR US. So if you're doing a Son-Rise Program, your partner may not agree with you or support you the way you want to be supported, or you may have relatives that think you should be doing something else, or may not understand. The trick is to let go of "needing" others to understand, agree or accept us. Whew! That's a biggie!
But imagine we can decide to have the perspective that, whatever the other person is doing, is actually happening to help us learn to be stronger, less needy, and more trusting of our own ideas and actions. Wouldn't that feel a lot better than the frustration and hurt?!
But what is the most productive, comfortable place for us to be in ourselves when this occurs?
1) Understand that we don't have the power to change anyone (our parents, our partners, our friends, and even our children) and if they DO change, (we may have spent time explaining, sharing, pleading) they still decided to change themselves; we didn't make them change.
2) Use it as an opportunity to understand ourselves more, and supply to ourselves what we are looking to the other person to give us.
3) If it bothers us that we're misunderstood or judged, then it's important to explore that discomfort with questions like: "Why do I need this person to understand me or not judge me?" (May sound crazy, but it will probably relate to a way in which we are judging ourselves and looking to the other person to love/support us or be accepting of us - SO WE CAN ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES.) Take a look. Could prove very eye-opening.
4) Know you don't have to defend yourself nor feel something is wrong with you if you're misunderstood, judged or maligned. It's really about THE OTHER PERSON and the perspective(s) they choose FOR THEIR REASONS, which has nothing to do with you; they do it for their reasons (to take care of themselves).
5) First get comfortable about what they're doing and how you're feeling - and then, if there's something to do to take care of yourself (e.g. try a different tact, talk to others about your perspective, brainstorm how you can use the situation to become a happier, more effective person, etc. - let us help you get through your situation by doing an Option Process Dialogue), and then comfortably go for it.
You don't want your happiness and trust of life to be dependent on what another person does. There will always be those who make choices that appear to be against what you want. If, however, we use each one toward the enhancement of ourselves, we win (no matter what they do). Take the high road and welcome these people into your life - because they are the ones from which you will most likely learn the most.
With my love,
Samahria
Labels: Personal Growth, Samahria
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posted by Samahria Lyte Kaufman, Co-Founder Option Institute at
5:22 PM
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Friday, June 19, 2009
Congratulations: Jade Hogan
Congratulations: Jade Hogan
Congratulations: Bryn & William Hogan
Very Personal/Very Awesome: Our granddaughter, Jade (Bryn & William's child), who had been in a 5 yr. Son-Rise Program – and then went to a normal elementary school, graduated last night from the 6th. grade...and was one of 4 students to be honored with the Presidential Award for Outstanding Scholarship. She was so, so delighted. Hurrah for Jade, Bryn & William. Hurrah for the Son-Rise Program.
Love, Bears and Samahria Kaufman
This was my post this morning on Facebook – this was the total amount of space allowed. But what I want to add for all of you and those others you share this with ... is a standing ovation to Bryn and William who directed an intense, profoundly loving, 7-day-a-week (every day) Son-Rise Program for 5 years….with the help of many volunteers (many who had been on the staff at the time – for example, Kate was an extraordinarily huge part of that program as was others). To Bryn and William, we are deeply moved for what you did with your daughter. And her graduation last night was her achievement but it could never have happened without your dedication, enthusiasm, profound level of excellence in what you did with and for Jade for those years (and the dedication shown by her Godmother – amazing Katie Wilde). Read more!
Congratulations: Bryn & William Hogan
Very Personal/Very Awesome: Our granddaughter, Jade (Bryn & William's child), who had been in a 5 yr. Son-Rise Program – and then went to a normal elementary school, graduated last night from the 6th. grade...and was one of 4 students to be honored with the Presidential Award for Outstanding Scholarship. She was so, so delighted. Hurrah for Jade, Bryn & William. Hurrah for the Son-Rise Program.
Love, Bears and Samahria Kaufman
This was my post this morning on Facebook – this was the total amount of space allowed. But what I want to add for all of you and those others you share this with ... is a standing ovation to Bryn and William who directed an intense, profoundly loving, 7-day-a-week (every day) Son-Rise Program for 5 years….with the help of many volunteers (many who had been on the staff at the time – for example, Kate was an extraordinarily huge part of that program as was others). To Bryn and William, we are deeply moved for what you did with your daughter. And her graduation last night was her achievement but it could never have happened without your dedication, enthusiasm, profound level of excellence in what you did with and for Jade for those years (and the dedication shown by her Godmother – amazing Katie Wilde). Read more!
posted by (Bears) Barry Neil Kaufman, Founder, Option Inst. at
10:37 AM
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Sunday, April 26, 2009
A Son-Rise Kind of Love
Imagine the beauty of a sleeping child ... all innocent, all goodness, just perfect as is ... that's without looking tenderly into your eyes, without doing a single action (no performance required), without giving you anything - not even a smile, without making any overtures of love or caring, and without any indication that they like you. Hmmm! Odd, isn't it?! Without this child doing anything, we are perfectly capable of giving ourselves a feeling of fulfillment, of well being and of being encased in love.
This is the essence of The Son-Rise Program at the Autism Treatment Center of America in Sheffield, MA (USA). When we open our minds, hearts and doors to helping children with autism, there are no judgments, no expectations and therefore, no unhappiness involved - only acceptance and excitement for anything the child is doing in this moment ... and then the next moment as it unfolds, aware that he/she is always doing the best he/she can.
What would happen if we used that same attitude of full acceptance with ourselves? You may think, "I can't accept this" and "I certainly couldn't imagine not judging that". But we're not looking to loving these things about ourselves, probably believing that if we did, we wouldn't be motivated to change them. However, take another look - and see if you're changing them by judging them.
Not only don't we see the events of our lives as just perfect as is ... we also don't see ourselves as perfect just the way we are. We believe things like: "I'm not [something] enough"; "I should do better and more in order to be okay"; "I'm a failure". The more we fall in love with ourselves just as we are, the more we will also be of benefit to our partners, our children, our parents, our siblings, our co-workers and our friends... because we'll feel happier and more motivated toward going for what we want in a comfortable way. The less we love ourselves, the less we can offer love to others. If we don't nurture the attitude of The Son-Rise Program inside ourselves, we can't expect ourselves to be consistent and effective in extending our caring, our useful encouragement, or provide assistance to those most important to us.
So let's all focus on creating a Son-Rise kind of love in ourselves - and in the world around us - which, we know then keeps expressing itself with more people more of the time - thus manifesting a Son-Rise World. Ahhh!!!
Samahria Lyte Kaufman
Co-Founder The Son-Rise Program
and The Option Institute
This is the essence of The Son-Rise Program at the Autism Treatment Center of America in Sheffield, MA (USA). When we open our minds, hearts and doors to helping children with autism, there are no judgments, no expectations and therefore, no unhappiness involved - only acceptance and excitement for anything the child is doing in this moment ... and then the next moment as it unfolds, aware that he/she is always doing the best he/she can.
What would happen if we used that same attitude of full acceptance with ourselves? You may think, "I can't accept this" and "I certainly couldn't imagine not judging that". But we're not looking to loving these things about ourselves, probably believing that if we did, we wouldn't be motivated to change them. However, take another look - and see if you're changing them by judging them.
Not only don't we see the events of our lives as just perfect as is ... we also don't see ourselves as perfect just the way we are. We believe things like: "I'm not [something] enough"; "I should do better and more in order to be okay"; "I'm a failure". The more we fall in love with ourselves just as we are, the more we will also be of benefit to our partners, our children, our parents, our siblings, our co-workers and our friends... because we'll feel happier and more motivated toward going for what we want in a comfortable way. The less we love ourselves, the less we can offer love to others. If we don't nurture the attitude of The Son-Rise Program inside ourselves, we can't expect ourselves to be consistent and effective in extending our caring, our useful encouragement, or provide assistance to those most important to us.
So let's all focus on creating a Son-Rise kind of love in ourselves - and in the world around us - which, we know then keeps expressing itself with more people more of the time - thus manifesting a Son-Rise World. Ahhh!!!
Samahria Lyte Kaufman
Co-Founder The Son-Rise Program
and The Option Institute
Labels: Attitude, Inspiration, Samahria
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posted by Samahria Lyte Kaufman, Co-Founder Option Institute at
1:17 PM
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