The Unhappiness Compensation Cycle!
From William: We use many different wonderful ways of looking after ourselves, especially when it comes to ensuring that we stay emotionally feeling good. One particular way that I want to share with you is what I call the Unhappiness Compensation Cycle. It goes something like this:
We use many different wonderful ways of looking after ourselves, especially when it comes to ensuring that we stay emotionally feeling good. One particular way that I want to share with you is what I call the Unhappiness Compensation Approach. It goes something like this:
I feel uncomfortable in one area of my life, which I don't want to look at or pay attention to because if I do I will feel even more uncomfortable. (I'm discomfort-phobic!!)
I can't totally shake this uncomfortable feeling (it keeps following me around – even though I do my best to ignore it!!).
I go in search of something that I know will result in me giving myself a good feeling (i.e. eating, drinking, shopping, particular actions that will get me praise and love from others, etc.) - I go into unhappiness compensation mode!
The drawback of compensating in this way for an uncomfortable feeling is that after I have done any of these "feel good things" I am still left with my unhappiness. Most people do more and more of the "feel good things" to the point of personal detriment (i.e. over eating, over drinking, etc.) They then get into a cycle of compensating for this nagging, won't-go-away unhappy feeling by doing these "feel good things" over and over again - and in the end they end up harming themselves.
So, what's the solution? The solution is to look directly at what you are feeling unhappy about - to understand it - and then change the belief that fuels it.
This is exactly what a mother did recently during the Son-Rise Program Intensive. She was working with her child - but she pushed him to play her game, needing it to happen, and did not see that he was not connected or interested. She needed the interaction so that she would get praised and loved for making it happen. She needed the love because she was feeling upset in another area of her family life. She was trying to feel good in the only way she knew how - to do something else to compensate for not feeling good in that other area of her life.
After, during our feedback session, she chose to work out the underlying unhappiness in her family life that fueled her need and pushiness. As I dialogued her, she cried and talked about the situation and eventually came to a place of insight and then a place of peace. It was wonderful to see the change in her expression as she gave herself this feeling. She was brave to have looked at herself so honestly with a willingness to know who she was.
One of the beauties of the Son-Rise Program is that we come to understand how we can be happier through changing our beliefs (using the Option Process Dialogue) versus ignoring and avoiding our discomfort and creating a harmful compensation cycle!
Today - dare to look at a discomfort. Ask yourself a question or two (i.e. How do I feel? Why am I feeling this way? etc.) Dare to understand yourself a little more and learn to enjoy your life without having to compensate.
Love and smiles,
William
We use many different wonderful ways of looking after ourselves, especially when it comes to ensuring that we stay emotionally feeling good. One particular way that I want to share with you is what I call the Unhappiness Compensation Approach. It goes something like this:
I feel uncomfortable in one area of my life, which I don't want to look at or pay attention to because if I do I will feel even more uncomfortable. (I'm discomfort-phobic!!)
I can't totally shake this uncomfortable feeling (it keeps following me around – even though I do my best to ignore it!!).
I go in search of something that I know will result in me giving myself a good feeling (i.e. eating, drinking, shopping, particular actions that will get me praise and love from others, etc.) - I go into unhappiness compensation mode!
The drawback of compensating in this way for an uncomfortable feeling is that after I have done any of these "feel good things" I am still left with my unhappiness. Most people do more and more of the "feel good things" to the point of personal detriment (i.e. over eating, over drinking, etc.) They then get into a cycle of compensating for this nagging, won't-go-away unhappy feeling by doing these "feel good things" over and over again - and in the end they end up harming themselves.
So, what's the solution? The solution is to look directly at what you are feeling unhappy about - to understand it - and then change the belief that fuels it.
This is exactly what a mother did recently during the Son-Rise Program Intensive. She was working with her child - but she pushed him to play her game, needing it to happen, and did not see that he was not connected or interested. She needed the interaction so that she would get praised and loved for making it happen. She needed the love because she was feeling upset in another area of her family life. She was trying to feel good in the only way she knew how - to do something else to compensate for not feeling good in that other area of her life.
After, during our feedback session, she chose to work out the underlying unhappiness in her family life that fueled her need and pushiness. As I dialogued her, she cried and talked about the situation and eventually came to a place of insight and then a place of peace. It was wonderful to see the change in her expression as she gave herself this feeling. She was brave to have looked at herself so honestly with a willingness to know who she was.
One of the beauties of the Son-Rise Program is that we come to understand how we can be happier through changing our beliefs (using the Option Process Dialogue) versus ignoring and avoiding our discomfort and creating a harmful compensation cycle!
Today - dare to look at a discomfort. Ask yourself a question or two (i.e. How do I feel? Why am I feeling this way? etc.) Dare to understand yourself a little more and learn to enjoy your life without having to compensate.
Love and smiles,
William
Labels: Attitude, Inspiration, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Parents, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
From Kelli: Who IS this program for?
Last week we participated in the Son-Rise Program Intensive, and boy what a week. I think I have enough material to blog daily for a month. Material about Jordyn, about us, and about the program. I'm going to endeavour to keep my insights "simple" and relevant to all, so I don't overwhelm or bore you all with the inner workings of my mind.
One of the themes of my week was my "need" to CONTROL - the program, the volunteers, myself in the playroom (strategizing and thinking vs. being free). My experience of myself, and all of it, was it was never quite enough, and I was always striving for more... like a donkey with a carrot, or a hamster on a wheel.
This is also a theme in life where I'm never quite satisfied, so no accident that it showed up in the playroom. The funny thing is that I am completely satisfied and accepting of Jordyn, and have tons of love and acceptance for my volunteers... so why the carrot/pressure? Why did I "have to" be on guard all the time, looking for what is next, and not missing a cue?
Well, in exploring this in feedback with one of the teachers I could not see it when asked "why?" But looking at it from the other side - "what would happen if I didn't" - it became really clear. If I didn't "keep the pressure on" I would look back and regret not doing or being more. So, really I was putting myself through all this pressure so that someday I wouldn't look back and hammer myself with "you really could have done more". Interesting.
Knowing that I am doing the very best that I can in every moment with the beliefs that I have, that seemed like a really silly way to live. Discarding the carrot, I am free to be present in this moment. I am present to the joy, adventure, and love of the journey. AND seeing clearly what is in front of me, gives me a clearer picture of where to head next. Not having the carrot doesn't mean I stop looking for what is next - it just comes from a happier, curious, joyous and grateful place - a want vs. a need.
The program IS really for ME - to be happier, grounded, grateful, and fulfilled.
And, when I'm happy, grounded, grateful, and fulfilled I am all the things that I was striving for... naturally AND that little guy is drawn to my comfort with myself. He is such a teacher... all I have to do is look at who I'm being with him, or even just look at what he is doing and I learn about myself.
Enjoy your journey. Love - Kelli
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth
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posted by Kelli Pallett, Son-Rise Mom at
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
From William: Truly Giving or Saving Yourself!!
Truly Giving or Saving Yourself!!
As I have continued to dialogue about my own feelings and beliefs as well as mentoring Son-Rise Program parents, a particular perspective on caring for and giving to others has formulated. I find the perspective helpful as I continue my journey of deepening my acceptance and happiness with life.
The perspective goes something like this: Caring for and giving to others can be broken down into two distinct types. (Remember I am not talking about the truth - only my perspective, which is belief-based.)
The first type is a caring and a giving that is based on accepting, loving and wanting the best for the other person. It is a giving that comes from the joy of caring for this person and requires nothing back in return, because the giving itself feels good and is in agreement with how you want to live your life.
As I have continued to dialogue about my own feelings and beliefs as well as mentoring Son-Rise Program parents, a particular perspective on caring for and giving to others has formulated. I find the perspective helpful as I continue my journey of deepening my acceptance and happiness with life.
The perspective goes something like this: Caring for and giving to others can be broken down into two distinct types. (Remember I am not talking about the truth - only my perspective, which is belief-based.)
The first type is a caring and a giving that is based on accepting, loving and wanting the best for the other person. It is a giving that comes from the joy of caring for this person and requires nothing back in return, because the giving itself feels good and is in agreement with how you want to live your life.
The second type is caring and giving that is based on saving yourself! This is best understood within an example. So let's say your partner wants the family to go and spend the afternoon with his/her parents and you really do not want to go, because you don't get on with the in-laws. You decide to go along with what your partner is asking for based on the saving-yourself type of giving. Your possible belief mechanism could be as follows - you go because you don't want your partner to get unhappy with You. You believe when they are unhappy with you they are not loving you, and not affirming that you are a good person (or that you are alone.) This does not feel good to you and so as a way to avoid (save yourself from) feeling bad about yourself you go to your in-laws house, so your partner stays happy and loving towards you!! You appear giving and caring, yet you really go because this is the only way you know to continue feeling good about who you are. When we give in this way, we can ultimately end up resenting our partner for "making" us go - yet really we are resenting ourselves for operating in this way.
The key to letting go of the saving-yourself type of giving is to accept that you are doing the best you can. Then, work toward feeling relaxed and good about yourself, even if your partner (or other people in your life) are unhappy with you and the choices you make.
Remember, it is a worthy cause to be happier in your life for it will lead you to be a more loving and caring person - consider it as a gift to the world.
With much love and smiles,
William
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Thursday, February 11, 2010
What did YOU learn today?
Hey hey from the Autism Treatment Center of America!!
So this week I celebrated my 25th birthday and that got me to thinking. What a journey with The Son-Rise Program I've had, from the age of 21 when I started to volunteer with with families in the UK to today being a professional Child Facilitator, helping children with autism grow, change and recover!
One thing that has kept me inspired and energised through this journey is really deciding to learn from each and every child and adult I work with. They are all so unique, beautiful and special in their own ways - I always leave my playroom sessions feeling like I have learnt something and this helps foster a sense of gratitude and love for my time in the playroom. So, here are my top learnings:
So this week I celebrated my 25th birthday and that got me to thinking. What a journey with The Son-Rise Program I've had, from the age of 21 when I started to volunteer with with families in the UK to today being a professional Child Facilitator, helping children with autism grow, change and recover!
One thing that has kept me inspired and energised through this journey is really deciding to learn from each and every child and adult I work with. They are all so unique, beautiful and special in their own ways - I always leave my playroom sessions feeling like I have learnt something and this helps foster a sense of gratitude and love for my time in the playroom. So, here are my top learnings:
- That it is possible to find beauty in anything: the play of dust in the light, the movement of my shadow, the blur of my fingers as I wave them... Anything I attend to, I can make it beautiful.
- The pleasure of being in the present moment: our children are so attentive and focused - they are so present to their environment, not worrying about the economy or taxes or insurance. My time with them is a beautiful practice of letting go of the outside world and deciding to love, moment by moment.
- That it feels good to love someone. In fact, it's the BEST feeling. From my playroom time I have learnt how good it feels to give so deeply of myself that I need nothing back in return - just giving in itself feels sooooo good!
What are YOUR favourite playroom learnings? Why not write them down before your next session, as way to focus on your love and gratitude for your special child? Maybe you could get your volunteers to write them down and share them in your next group meeting?
Remember, we are always on the journey and there is always something more to learn :)
With 25 years of love,
Jack
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Staff
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posted by Jack at
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Thursday, January 28, 2010
From Becky: What is my purpose?
This is a question that has come up in discussions recently when working with wonderful parents and volunteers in The Son-Rise Program.
Is my purpose in the playroom to position for eye contact? To request language? To catch every green light?, to join at the perfect distance?
Or.........
is it to build a loving relationship with my child?, to be as accepting to myself and my child as possible? To be comfortable and present? To relax and have a good time?
The list goes on.........
Sometimes we can get so caught up in the technical side of things that we forget to focus on the attitude.
The very core of the The Son-Rise Program is the attitude! When I am in the attitude and see that as my purpose when working with children and parents, I have unstop able creativity and ideas flowing out of my pores.
Ask yourself, what is my purpose? the next time you go to work with your child. Re-define it for yourself, when you choose to have a purpose that is attitudinal versus technical, the techniques and your creativity will endlessly pore from you because you will be relaxed and present and therefore see what your child is doing with new eyes.
Is my purpose in the playroom to position for eye contact? To request language? To catch every green light?, to join at the perfect distance?
Or.........
is it to build a loving relationship with my child?, to be as accepting to myself and my child as possible? To be comfortable and present? To relax and have a good time?
The list goes on.........
Sometimes we can get so caught up in the technical side of things that we forget to focus on the attitude.
The very core of the The Son-Rise Program is the attitude! When I am in the attitude and see that as my purpose when working with children and parents, I have unstop able creativity and ideas flowing out of my pores.
Ask yourself, what is my purpose? the next time you go to work with your child. Re-define it for yourself, when you choose to have a purpose that is attitudinal versus technical, the techniques and your creativity will endlessly pore from you because you will be relaxed and present and therefore see what your child is doing with new eyes.
Labels: Attitude, Inspiration, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Staff
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posted by Becky Damgaard, Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Thursday, January 21, 2010
Loving the Ride!
From Kelli: So it is T-32 days until our Son-Rise Program Intensive and yet it feels like its already begun. As the week approaches I'm noticing myself becoming more and more "intense" about the "Intensive". I'm creating all kinds of discomforts from worrying about Jordyn's food and the volunteers to looking at myself and our program through "what's wrong" coloured glasses.
This is not the first time in life that I've been "intense" about something that is important to me, or something I want. I get so attached to it being perfect that I miss out on the gold, the juice, and the joy in the moments along the way. Well not this time!
The juice in THIS moment is that I saw what I was creating - stress, worry, fear, discomfort, you name it - by believing that it is hard to get what you want. And now I get to choose how this is going to go.
So, I'm putting on a pair of "THIS is perfect (for me)!" glasses and getting on this roller coaster ride with the intention of being present for, and grateful for, every gold nugget along the way.
I'm grateful for the Intensive being the juicy stimulus for me to wake up to this repetitive behaviour, and thankful to Beverly for our Option Process® dialogue today and the question she left me with - both PERFECT!
Can't wait to share with you all what else opens up on this beautiful roller coaster ride.
With love and gratitude - Kelli
Labels: Personal Growth
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posted by Kelli Pallett, Son-Rise Mom at
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Monday, January 4, 2010
Say Yes to Change.
From Kate Wilde: I recently wrote the below to a lovely Son-Rise Program Student of mine. Today I write this to you:
"I hear nothing but wonderful and inspiring things about you.
It takes great daring to leap into a space that is new and unfamiliar.
You have taken flight and shown yourself that you can say yes to change
That you can become anything that you put your mind to.
All you have to so is say yes and step into it.
Keep growing, keep stepping, your future is yours in the making.
Congratulations for your journey thus far!!!!
For all the effort and care and persistence you are putting into it."
As you read this in reference to yourself , what are you saying yes to, what are you growing within yourself?
With much love to you and great respect for your journey with your beautiful children.
Labels: Attitude, Kate, Personal Growth
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posted by Kate Wilde at
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Friday, January 1, 2010
From Alison: It's all about me!!!
I Started off with my Son Rise program a few years ago now because I wanted to reach out to my son Jordan, but the journey took an unexpected twist here is what happened.
When I started out on the Son Rise journey with my son Jordan I thought that if I just learned why he did the things that he did that I could help him not do them anymore and I could teach him how to play my games instead. It turned out that actually what I needed to do; was to find out why I did the things that I did, then learn to play his games instead and then put in a few of my own. I was amazed at how much the Son Rise program was about me and my attitude. I had to learn to love and accept myself first and then that love and acceptance overflowed to Jordan including his autism. It is a phenomenal change in my life, I have gone from feeling invisible to feeling alive, from feeling lost to having a clear sense of purpose. Everyday when I wake up I make a decision to make my love for myself and Jordan more obvious and it is now that we share so many precious moments together - the ones I dreamed about at the beginning of our journey.
When I started out on the Son Rise journey with my son Jordan I thought that if I just learned why he did the things that he did that I could help him not do them anymore and I could teach him how to play my games instead. It turned out that actually what I needed to do; was to find out why I did the things that I did, then learn to play his games instead and then put in a few of my own. I was amazed at how much the Son Rise program was about me and my attitude. I had to learn to love and accept myself first and then that love and acceptance overflowed to Jordan including his autism. It is a phenomenal change in my life, I have gone from feeling invisible to feeling alive, from feeling lost to having a clear sense of purpose. Everyday when I wake up I make a decision to make my love for myself and Jordan more obvious and it is now that we share so many precious moments together - the ones I dreamed about at the beginning of our journey.
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth
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posted by Alison Taylor at
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Imagination games for the New Year
From Kate Wilde:Here are a few imagination games from The Autism Treatment Center of America to help you start the new year with your children on the Autism Spectrum.
1. "What do you see?" - This games is designed to encourage spontaneous expressive language and is for a child who can speak in simple sentences and beyond.
- Pretend that you are sleeping, when the alarm wakes you get up, go over to the window, draw the curtains, and look out the window.
- One of you is to describe to the other person what they see out the window, to describe the scenery and any event that is happening, then you go out side and play the scenario that was just described.
- We would suggest that you take the first turn to model to your child how to play the game.
Variations: you could be sleeping on a airplane, or train, and describe the scene when the train or airplane stops. You could be in a time machine and stop to describe different historical events you land in.
2."Pretend this is happening to you". This is designed to encourage your children to physical participate more, and to interact with simple props
- Put different props around the room that you would use in different kinds of weather, for example, an umbrella, wellington boots, a hat, gloves, scarf, a glass of water, swimming trunks, snorkel, a sun hat, sun cream etc.
- Explain to your child that you are going to tell them what kind of weather is happening and they are to use the props they would use in that type of weather and act out what they would do in that type of weather.
- Take turns acting out and choosing the weather.
- Different types of weather may be, as hot as a desert, torrential rain with a strong wind, light sunny day at the beach, a snow storm, hail and ice storm etc.
Variations: you could play the same game, but instead of different types of weather, you could have different sporting events, or different animals to interact with, or different social events to attend.
The most important thing to do in each of them games above is to have fun, be playful and enjoy whatever happens. I wish you much happiness this coming year 2010.
Kate
Labels: Creativity, Fun and Games, Kate, Language, Personal Growth
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posted by Kate Wilde at
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Friday, December 4, 2009
From Becky: Prime of My Life!
From Becky: Today it is my 35th birthday! Recently I was having a conversation with one of my close friends about how my birthday was coming up and it wasn't a big deal. My friend said "Don't you ever say that it's not a big deal! Your birthday is the day you were born and that's a very BIG DEAL!!!"
From that moment, I realized that by saying that I was playing myself down and making myself small and irrelevant which is how I lived most of my life up until coming the work at The Autism Treatment Center of America. I changed my attitude in an instant.
So today I am going to celebrate celebrate celebrate! It is really something that I am here, I am alive and I was born!
It matters that I choose happiness everyday when so many people around me are choosing anger, hate and discomfort.
It is a big deal that I have helped so many families reach their special children over the years and that I have inspired children to stretch and grow in unimaginable ways.
It is important that I have challenged so many beliefs, and changed the ones that weren't working for me anymore, even when I thought for sure that I wasn't able to.
And most of all, I am extremely grateful to myself for being my own biggest teacher.
I am in the prime of my life! Some may think that being in your twenties is being in the prime of your life. As I turn 35 today, I am living my life in a bigger way than I ever have.
When I was thirty, I began my journey at The Autism Treatment Center of America, and began an incredible adventure, an adventure of love, acceptance and hope. Why would I want to be younger when I have so much more today?
I encourage you all to celebrate yourselves for being born today! You matter and you are a big deal!
From that moment, I realized that by saying that I was playing myself down and making myself small and irrelevant which is how I lived most of my life up until coming the work at The Autism Treatment Center of America. I changed my attitude in an instant.
So today I am going to celebrate celebrate celebrate! It is really something that I am here, I am alive and I was born!
It matters that I choose happiness everyday when so many people around me are choosing anger, hate and discomfort.
It is a big deal that I have helped so many families reach their special children over the years and that I have inspired children to stretch and grow in unimaginable ways.
It is important that I have challenged so many beliefs, and changed the ones that weren't working for me anymore, even when I thought for sure that I wasn't able to.
And most of all, I am extremely grateful to myself for being my own biggest teacher.
I am in the prime of my life! Some may think that being in your twenties is being in the prime of your life. As I turn 35 today, I am living my life in a bigger way than I ever have.
When I was thirty, I began my journey at The Autism Treatment Center of America, and began an incredible adventure, an adventure of love, acceptance and hope. Why would I want to be younger when I have so much more today?
I encourage you all to celebrate yourselves for being born today! You matter and you are a big deal!
Labels: Attitude, Celebrations, Inspiration, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Staff
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posted by Becky Damgaard, Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Monday, October 26, 2009
What Your Soul Sings
I recently came across the lyrics to a song that really touched me. Since working at The Autism Treatment Center of America, I have learned to be more authentic, to listen to my inner voice and follow my heart and most importantly to love myself. Enjoy.
What Your Soul Sings
Don't be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you
Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
So make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you
And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you love you
Don't be ashamed
To open your heart and pray
Say what your soul sings
To you
So no longer pretend
That you can't feel it near
That tickle on your head
That tingle in your ear
Oh ask it anything
Because it loves you dear
It's your most precious king
If only you could hear
And when you do
You'll find the one you need is you
You'll find you love you
What Your Soul Sings
Don't be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you
Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
So make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you
And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you love you
Don't be ashamed
To open your heart and pray
Say what your soul sings
To you
So no longer pretend
That you can't feel it near
That tickle on your head
That tingle in your ear
Oh ask it anything
Because it loves you dear
It's your most precious king
If only you could hear
And when you do
You'll find the one you need is you
You'll find you love you
Labels: Attitude, Inspiration, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Staff
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posted by Becky Damgaard, Son-Rise Program Teacher at
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Friday, September 11, 2009
Turned My Life Around in 72 Hours
Dear Ellen:
God love you because I do, big time. Whenever I read one of your posts on our Facebook walls, the energy, enthusiasm and love just jumps out from your words. But what I particularly note is how truly smart and helpful your comments are...like "I am writing Adam right now." Often, your notations highlight a program or a process or even give guidance. Terrific.
Love and appreciation, Bears
PS: Hey, would you want to join our bloggers on either/or/and OI and ATCA sites. These blogs now stream onto the OI and ATCA Facebook Fan pages so it gets to many more folks (1000 plus at OI, 1500 plus at ATCA). And your posts on my page, goes to over 1500. We want to recruit bloggers who are smart, savvy, fun, sincere, loving and have something to say...and who would do their best to post at least once a week...maybe twice if possible. Let me know what you think? Again, big love and gratitude
Oh Bears!
Thanks so much! It is one of my greatest pleasures to be helpful to The Option Institute. Everyone there helped sooo much in getting me to The Son-Rise Program® Start up (2 weeks ago I believe) for Emma... it was so perfect, a week of coming to terms with her issues in an honest way (that was a long time coming, huh (big smile)? And learning with totally clarity of purpose how tangibly I could help her. I came home and within 72 hrs had a temporary play room done, $600.00 in donations toward the real focus room, poster designed and at the printer.. when I know what I want.... had done 6 hrs of heavenly playroom time with my daughter, and had spectacular results--- stooling on the toilet for the first time! These are great things for us. I would love to help others to know that this program can help kids like mine, ones that would fall through the cracks, that aren't diagnosable (is that a word?!) but still have real issues that get in their way.. it's such a great program for our whole family.
When you walked into the classroom Thursday of that week, tears of joy streamed down my face.. yes, indeed, I was glad to see you, but also in that moment, I really realized that I had found a way (that was there all the time) to let my beloved Option Institute help Emma, my most precious gift.
I would adore blogging for you ... I will keep it in mind as I embark on this journey with The Son-Rise Program and Emma. I want to focus right now on getting my Son-Rise Program up and running, my business bringing in money, and being of assistance to Chris who has had a tremendous opportunity given to him ... his employer of 20 years berated him, stripped him of all is responsibilities and cut his pay 20%. The great news is that because of all his work at The Institute, in the middle of this he almost had to keep himself from laughing.... realizing it was truly all about them. What a gift. Anyway, how about if I just send you ( or whoever I should send it to) anything I write that's relevant, and you can use it or not as you see fit . I can't promise I will make time, but if I do, I will send on something. I hope this helps. I love all of you so much.. as usual please feel free to send a copy of this to anyone there etc. Deep, deep oceans of gratitude.
Love, Ellen
God love you because I do, big time. Whenever I read one of your posts on our Facebook walls, the energy, enthusiasm and love just jumps out from your words. But what I particularly note is how truly smart and helpful your comments are...like "I am writing Adam right now." Often, your notations highlight a program or a process or even give guidance. Terrific.
Love and appreciation, Bears
PS: Hey, would you want to join our bloggers on either/or/and OI and ATCA sites. These blogs now stream onto the OI and ATCA Facebook Fan pages so it gets to many more folks (1000 plus at OI, 1500 plus at ATCA). And your posts on my page, goes to over 1500. We want to recruit bloggers who are smart, savvy, fun, sincere, loving and have something to say...and who would do their best to post at least once a week...maybe twice if possible. Let me know what you think? Again, big love and gratitude
Oh Bears!
Thanks so much! It is one of my greatest pleasures to be helpful to The Option Institute. Everyone there helped sooo much in getting me to The Son-Rise Program® Start up (2 weeks ago I believe) for Emma... it was so perfect, a week of coming to terms with her issues in an honest way (that was a long time coming, huh (big smile)? And learning with totally clarity of purpose how tangibly I could help her. I came home and within 72 hrs had a temporary play room done, $600.00 in donations toward the real focus room, poster designed and at the printer.. when I know what I want.... had done 6 hrs of heavenly playroom time with my daughter, and had spectacular results--- stooling on the toilet for the first time! These are great things for us. I would love to help others to know that this program can help kids like mine, ones that would fall through the cracks, that aren't diagnosable (is that a word?!) but still have real issues that get in their way.. it's such a great program for our whole family.
When you walked into the classroom Thursday of that week, tears of joy streamed down my face.. yes, indeed, I was glad to see you, but also in that moment, I really realized that I had found a way (that was there all the time) to let my beloved Option Institute help Emma, my most precious gift.
I would adore blogging for you ... I will keep it in mind as I embark on this journey with The Son-Rise Program and Emma. I want to focus right now on getting my Son-Rise Program up and running, my business bringing in money, and being of assistance to Chris who has had a tremendous opportunity given to him ... his employer of 20 years berated him, stripped him of all is responsibilities and cut his pay 20%. The great news is that because of all his work at The Institute, in the middle of this he almost had to keep himself from laughing.... realizing it was truly all about them. What a gift. Anyway, how about if I just send you ( or whoever I should send it to) anything I write that's relevant, and you can use it or not as you see fit . I can't promise I will make time, but if I do, I will send on something. I hope this helps. I love all of you so much.. as usual please feel free to send a copy of this to anyone there etc. Deep, deep oceans of gratitude.
Love, Ellen
Labels: Attitude, Bears, Personal Growth, Training Programs
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posted by Administrator at
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Thursday, September 10, 2009
A Moment of Peace
This month, all of The Autism Treatment Center of America staff - Child Facilitators and Teachers - are more busy than ever before. We've taken on some new exciting projects to help even more families - and since we're doing it all at once, wow - it has made each day like a whirlwind of activity. But it has helped me realize the most amazing gift - that even on the busiest of days, it only takes one moment of pause to feel relaxed, energized and ready for more.
Monday was one of those days that was full to the very brim - my cats waking me up at 5:00 because they'd found a previously undiscovered mouse hiding in the kitchen...construction workers arriving at my house at 7:00am...eat, exercise, shower...8 people wanting my first 20 minutes at work...then 7 hours of back to back teaching and meetings and two hours of consultations...And finally arriving home at 7:30 pm to a sink full of dirty dishes and an empty refrigerator - realizing that I forgot to take my car to the mechanic for my scheduled appointment 12 hours before.
It was only as I sat down an old can of chicken soup I found in the cupboard, I realized that I wasn't tired - even after such a full day. All last week, I remember feeling tired every night when I got home - so what had changed?
I realized that it only took two simple intentions to have a FULL day and still feel relaxed...
1) Decide that one moment of pause is enough. That day, I did stop and go outside and sit in the sun for just 2 minutes - and that two minutes was enough to keep me going for the entire day. When I really let my brain stop for just a moment, it was like I had taken a relaxing afternoon nap.
2) Return to the task at hand with gratitude. No matter what is in front of us, or how many things are on the to-do list, if we decide to greet each task with a smile, then even when our day is completely full, nothing feels overwhelming.
Try it - just for a moment - just step outside for a moment, take a deep breath and return to whatever you're doing with a smile. It's amazingly simple, but it works. Have you gone yet? What are you still doing sitting here? Go! Enjoy your moment! And enjoy the rest of your day.
Monday was one of those days that was full to the very brim - my cats waking me up at 5:00 because they'd found a previously undiscovered mouse hiding in the kitchen...construction workers arriving at my house at 7:00am...eat, exercise, shower...8 people wanting my first 20 minutes at work...then 7 hours of back to back teaching and meetings and two hours of consultations...And finally arriving home at 7:30 pm to a sink full of dirty dishes and an empty refrigerator - realizing that I forgot to take my car to the mechanic for my scheduled appointment 12 hours before.
It was only as I sat down an old can of chicken soup I found in the cupboard, I realized that I wasn't tired - even after such a full day. All last week, I remember feeling tired every night when I got home - so what had changed?
I realized that it only took two simple intentions to have a FULL day and still feel relaxed...
1) Decide that one moment of pause is enough. That day, I did stop and go outside and sit in the sun for just 2 minutes - and that two minutes was enough to keep me going for the entire day. When I really let my brain stop for just a moment, it was like I had taken a relaxing afternoon nap.
2) Return to the task at hand with gratitude. No matter what is in front of us, or how many things are on the to-do list, if we decide to greet each task with a smile, then even when our day is completely full, nothing feels overwhelming.
Try it - just for a moment - just step outside for a moment, take a deep breath and return to whatever you're doing with a smile. It's amazingly simple, but it works. Have you gone yet? What are you still doing sitting here? Go! Enjoy your moment! And enjoy the rest of your day.
Labels: Attitude, Carolina, Personal Growth
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posted by Carolina, Son-Rise Program Senior Teacher at
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
Misunderstood? Judged? Maligned?
How often have you felt misunderstood or judged - and felt frustrated, hurt or defensive about what someone has said to you or about you?
I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other person maintains their original point of view that we believe is not true. When we work with couples in our CouplesCourse Program, this is a common area of discomfort. Essentially, the important point is that we cannot change another person or their perspectives unless they choose to change it. We can't make them believe what we believe. And the desire on our part may be for the other person to agree with us - and if they don't, WE MAY BELIEVE THAT'S BAD FOR US. So if you're doing a Son-Rise Program, your partner may not agree with you or support you the way you want to be supported, or you may have relatives that think you should be doing something else, or may not understand. The trick is to let go of "needing" others to understand, agree or accept us. Whew! That's a biggie!
But imagine we can decide to have the perspective that, whatever the other person is doing, is actually happening to help us learn to be stronger, less needy, and more trusting of our own ideas and actions. Wouldn't that feel a lot better than the frustration and hurt?!
But what is the most productive, comfortable place for us to be in ourselves when this occurs?
1) Understand that we don't have the power to change anyone (our parents, our partners, our friends, and even our children) and if they DO change, (we may have spent time explaining, sharing, pleading) they still decided to change themselves; we didn't make them change.
2) Use it as an opportunity to understand ourselves more, and supply to ourselves what we are looking to the other person to give us.
3) If it bothers us that we're misunderstood or judged, then it's important to explore that discomfort with questions like: "Why do I need this person to understand me or not judge me?" (May sound crazy, but it will probably relate to a way in which we are judging ourselves and looking to the other person to love/support us or be accepting of us - SO WE CAN ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES.) Take a look. Could prove very eye-opening.
4) Know you don't have to defend yourself nor feel something is wrong with you if you're misunderstood, judged or maligned. It's really about THE OTHER PERSON and the perspective(s) they choose FOR THEIR REASONS, which has nothing to do with you; they do it for their reasons (to take care of themselves).
5) First get comfortable about what they're doing and how you're feeling - and then, if there's something to do to take care of yourself (e.g. try a different tact, talk to others about your perspective, brainstorm how you can use the situation to become a happier, more effective person, etc. - let us help you get through your situation by doing an Option Process Dialogue), and then comfortably go for it.
You don't want your happiness and trust of life to be dependent on what another person does. There will always be those who make choices that appear to be against what you want. If, however, we use each one toward the enhancement of ourselves, we win (no matter what they do). Take the high road and welcome these people into your life - because they are the ones from which you will most likely learn the most.
With my love,
Samahria
I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other person maintains their original point of view that we believe is not true. When we work with couples in our CouplesCourse Program, this is a common area of discomfort. Essentially, the important point is that we cannot change another person or their perspectives unless they choose to change it. We can't make them believe what we believe. And the desire on our part may be for the other person to agree with us - and if they don't, WE MAY BELIEVE THAT'S BAD FOR US. So if you're doing a Son-Rise Program, your partner may not agree with you or support you the way you want to be supported, or you may have relatives that think you should be doing something else, or may not understand. The trick is to let go of "needing" others to understand, agree or accept us. Whew! That's a biggie!
But imagine we can decide to have the perspective that, whatever the other person is doing, is actually happening to help us learn to be stronger, less needy, and more trusting of our own ideas and actions. Wouldn't that feel a lot better than the frustration and hurt?!
But what is the most productive, comfortable place for us to be in ourselves when this occurs?
1) Understand that we don't have the power to change anyone (our parents, our partners, our friends, and even our children) and if they DO change, (we may have spent time explaining, sharing, pleading) they still decided to change themselves; we didn't make them change.
2) Use it as an opportunity to understand ourselves more, and supply to ourselves what we are looking to the other person to give us.
3) If it bothers us that we're misunderstood or judged, then it's important to explore that discomfort with questions like: "Why do I need this person to understand me or not judge me?" (May sound crazy, but it will probably relate to a way in which we are judging ourselves and looking to the other person to love/support us or be accepting of us - SO WE CAN ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES.) Take a look. Could prove very eye-opening.
4) Know you don't have to defend yourself nor feel something is wrong with you if you're misunderstood, judged or maligned. It's really about THE OTHER PERSON and the perspective(s) they choose FOR THEIR REASONS, which has nothing to do with you; they do it for their reasons (to take care of themselves).
5) First get comfortable about what they're doing and how you're feeling - and then, if there's something to do to take care of yourself (e.g. try a different tact, talk to others about your perspective, brainstorm how you can use the situation to become a happier, more effective person, etc. - let us help you get through your situation by doing an Option Process Dialogue), and then comfortably go for it.
You don't want your happiness and trust of life to be dependent on what another person does. There will always be those who make choices that appear to be against what you want. If, however, we use each one toward the enhancement of ourselves, we win (no matter what they do). Take the high road and welcome these people into your life - because they are the ones from which you will most likely learn the most.
With my love,
Samahria
Labels: Personal Growth, Samahria
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posted by Samahria Lyte Kaufman, Co-Founder Option Institute at
5:22 PM
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Monday, August 3, 2009
The Man in the Glass
I have learnt many precious things working at The Autism Treatment Center of America. Like how to truly love myself. Learning to love myself has helped me love hundreds of children in the most profound way. Here is a great poem about loving yourself. Have you taken time to love yourself today?
The Man In The Glass
Anonymous
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
The Man In The Glass
Anonymous
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
Labels: Inspiration, Personal Growth, Son-Rise Program Staff
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posted by Becky Damgaard, Son-Rise Program Teacher at
3:18 PM
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Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Free from the Chains of "I Have To"
I just wanted to share a lovely email from a Son-Rise Program mom... She's recently found her inspiration again and it was so beautiful, I just had to share it...
"...sometimes when I'm playing, he is so deep in stimming that I feel like throwing up. :) And on our last call you helped me understand my fear about having postponed my life and my career until Vuk 'graduates' from the Son-Rise Program (which in turn was making me very upset when I didn't see progress)...
Our conversation made me decide that I will allow for thoughts about my career right away. On days when I felt unhappy I would feel so sorry for myself that I had made myself stop the lawyering and the career that was going well...blah blah...
But at the thought of going back to work I felt like I would throw up again :) (Funny I never throw up for real - I guess only in my thoughts ;)
I realized that I was just trying to figure out how to keep a career that I started and that I really didn't enjoy at all - but didn't like to face the prospect of leaving it because I had put so much effort into it for years before.
Then, I listened to the Optimal Self Trust CD and this just clenched my problem completely. It told me that I can live my life by following what I think is right (or simply do what I want) even though I don't have a logical support for it. What a relief! So I have been trying this for a week or so now -
I don't go to eat until I want to, and then I eat what I want.
I don't play with my son when I think I should -
I play with him when I want to play with him.
And I DO go play with him!
(It used to be that I would feel like playing but then I would say "Oh no, I need to address this issue and make some kind of schedule in order to give myself comfort that I will not fail again in playing with him regularly...") So in fact I would stop myself from doing what I want - because it wasn't part of a logically prepared plan ??? Seems hilarious now.
SO, it appears that a lot of things in life WILL happen if you just do them when you WANT to do them.
"...sometimes when I'm playing, he is so deep in stimming that I feel like throwing up. :) And on our last call you helped me understand my fear about having postponed my life and my career until Vuk 'graduates' from the Son-Rise Program (which in turn was making me very upset when I didn't see progress)...
Our conversation made me decide that I will allow for thoughts about my career right away. On days when I felt unhappy I would feel so sorry for myself that I had made myself stop the lawyering and the career that was going well...blah blah...
But at the thought of going back to work I felt like I would throw up again :) (Funny I never throw up for real - I guess only in my thoughts ;)
I realized that I was just trying to figure out how to keep a career that I started and that I really didn't enjoy at all - but didn't like to face the prospect of leaving it because I had put so much effort into it for years before.
Then, I listened to the Optimal Self Trust CD and this just clenched my problem completely. It told me that I can live my life by following what I think is right (or simply do what I want) even though I don't have a logical support for it. What a relief! So I have been trying this for a week or so now -
I don't go to eat until I want to, and then I eat what I want.
I don't play with my son when I think I should -
I play with him when I want to play with him.
And I DO go play with him!
(It used to be that I would feel like playing but then I would say "Oh no, I need to address this issue and make some kind of schedule in order to give myself comfort that I will not fail again in playing with him regularly...") So in fact I would stop myself from doing what I want - because it wasn't part of a logically prepared plan ??? Seems hilarious now.
SO, it appears that a lot of things in life WILL happen if you just do them when you WANT to do them.
Labels: Attitude, Carolina, Personal Growth
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posted by Carolina, Son-Rise Program Senior Teacher at
12:42 PM
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Friday, July 10, 2009
Self-Love
Hey guys!
I have had a beautiful learning experience this week (isn't it wonderful - no matter where we are with our experience, there is always more to learn), and it's all to do with LOVE.
I know that when I go in the playroom, I totally love the children unconditionally - that I can create within myself that love in an instant, even if I have never met that child before. And I believe that this love helps me connect and desire to help every special person I play with.
Now here's the interesting part... Why, if I can love the children unconditionally, do I not always give myself the same gift? I know I can love in an instant, with no attachments, so why do I not always love MYSELF in this way? I have looked at this, and I realise that I believe creating love for another person serves a purpose. So, as a Child Facilitator can I find a purpose in being self-loving when facilitating autism recovery?
This week I have conducted an experiment. Before going in the playroom I have set aside 10 minutes to create for myself the level of love I feel for the child and I enter the playroom feeling that love for the child AND myself. The result? My love for the child actually DEEPENS, since I have no needs for them to act in a particular way for me to feel great about myself. My celebrations come from an even deeper well of love and my entire experience in the playroom is one of connected, profoundly loving joy. Not bad huh?
Self-love really DOES serve a purpose. When we are loving of ourselves we grow and deepen every part of our ability to love others, and that is the true essence of The Son-Rise Program.
With love (for myself AND all of you!!)
Jack
I have had a beautiful learning experience this week (isn't it wonderful - no matter where we are with our experience, there is always more to learn), and it's all to do with LOVE.
I know that when I go in the playroom, I totally love the children unconditionally - that I can create within myself that love in an instant, even if I have never met that child before. And I believe that this love helps me connect and desire to help every special person I play with.
Now here's the interesting part... Why, if I can love the children unconditionally, do I not always give myself the same gift? I know I can love in an instant, with no attachments, so why do I not always love MYSELF in this way? I have looked at this, and I realise that I believe creating love for another person serves a purpose. So, as a Child Facilitator can I find a purpose in being self-loving when facilitating autism recovery?
This week I have conducted an experiment. Before going in the playroom I have set aside 10 minutes to create for myself the level of love I feel for the child and I enter the playroom feeling that love for the child AND myself. The result? My love for the child actually DEEPENS, since I have no needs for them to act in a particular way for me to feel great about myself. My celebrations come from an even deeper well of love and my entire experience in the playroom is one of connected, profoundly loving joy. Not bad huh?
Self-love really DOES serve a purpose. When we are loving of ourselves we grow and deepen every part of our ability to love others, and that is the true essence of The Son-Rise Program.
With love (for myself AND all of you!!)
Jack
Labels: Attitude, Inspiration, Personal Growth
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posted by Jack at
3:57 PM
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Optimal self trust - Hearing your inner voice
I just spoke with a wonderful Son-Rise Program family - a mom who is full of 3Es and excitement for everything her son is doing.
...from barely speaking to having mini conversations and asking "Why?" all the time - from barely smiling to smiling and laughing all the time...
..from a small attention span to a great desire to play with his volunteers...
...from isming exclusively on his figurines to now telling his parents and volunteers stories about the figurines - he's made his own exclusive activity into something that is now interactive!
As she listed the changes they've seen in their son, I could hear the pure joy in her voice - it was so beautiful to hear.
And yet, as we talked, she shared with me that she has really started to doubt herself - because the school authority in her area has begun questioning her decision to have her son at home. They are saying "it won't be useful for him" - that "she doesn't know what she's doing" - and that "his changes can all be attributed to the natural result of him getting older". They aren't giving credit to the work she and her team have done at home.
So now, she's starting to doubt herself.
Isn't it amazing what we do? At first, we see so much evidence of our own power in the world - our child is changing in amazing ways and we think it's because of what we're doing. But, as soon as someone else tells us that we're not powerful at all, we drop our own evidence and believe the other person. We stop listening to our own inner voice as soon as we think someone else might know better...
If no one ever listened to their inner voice, the world would still be flat, the planets would still revolve around the earth, and sticking leeches on our feet would still be the common cure for diseases... :) Isn't it time we start believing in what we see instead of what other people say is true? Isn't it time we start listening to our own innner voice?
...from barely speaking to having mini conversations and asking "Why?" all the time - from barely smiling to smiling and laughing all the time...
..from a small attention span to a great desire to play with his volunteers...
...from isming exclusively on his figurines to now telling his parents and volunteers stories about the figurines - he's made his own exclusive activity into something that is now interactive!
As she listed the changes they've seen in their son, I could hear the pure joy in her voice - it was so beautiful to hear.
And yet, as we talked, she shared with me that she has really started to doubt herself - because the school authority in her area has begun questioning her decision to have her son at home. They are saying "it won't be useful for him" - that "she doesn't know what she's doing" - and that "his changes can all be attributed to the natural result of him getting older". They aren't giving credit to the work she and her team have done at home.
So now, she's starting to doubt herself.
Isn't it amazing what we do? At first, we see so much evidence of our own power in the world - our child is changing in amazing ways and we think it's because of what we're doing. But, as soon as someone else tells us that we're not powerful at all, we drop our own evidence and believe the other person. We stop listening to our own inner voice as soon as we think someone else might know better...
If no one ever listened to their inner voice, the world would still be flat, the planets would still revolve around the earth, and sticking leeches on our feet would still be the common cure for diseases... :) Isn't it time we start believing in what we see instead of what other people say is true? Isn't it time we start listening to our own innner voice?
Labels: Attitude, Carolina, Personal Growth
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posted by Carolina, Son-Rise Program Senior Teacher at
12:41 PM
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Thursday, June 18, 2009
Trust.
In-order to learn fully and quickly it is useful to decide to trust your teacher.
In-order to teach effectively it is useful to trust your students.
To create a strong and beautiful relationship it is useful to trust open heatedly.
To know what you want and then go after it is useful to trust yourself.
Trust trust trust! Such a small word that has a mighty meaning.
When did we decide to stop trusting?
Was it in school, church, the family unit?
More importantly when are we going to decide that it is important?
In-order to teach effectively it is useful to trust your students.
To create a strong and beautiful relationship it is useful to trust open heatedly.
To know what you want and then go after it is useful to trust yourself.
Trust trust trust! Such a small word that has a mighty meaning.
When did we decide to stop trusting?
Was it in school, church, the family unit?
More importantly when are we going to decide that it is important?
Labels: Kate, Personal Growth
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posted by Kate Wilde at
12:36 PM
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Friday, June 12, 2009
I Can Stop Judging My Son
Hi Bears,
I would like to be your friend. Your have helped me to not judge myself.
Now when I return home from The Son-Rise Program: New Frontiers at the Autism Treatment Center of America this Friday, I can stop judging my son Nathanael. When I feel alone and have no support and no one who I can turn to about Autism I will remember what you said Monday. You had 0% support and created the very first Son-Rise Program. Then gave us your beautiful books and built the amazing place the Autism Treatment Center of America. Thank-You for such a Blessed Gift. I prayed for so long. It's so cool when God answers your prayers. It has changed my life in the best way possible. Now I can understand how Nathanael see's the world because of you and you amazing family. Thank-You for the honor to say I know you and learned from you in person. Since Nathanael loves giving Valentines when we get in the play room we are going to make you another Valentine, and mail it to you. It was so neat when you came over to me and let me share "If you can't believe your partner can change how can you believe you can change." I now believe I can start to begin working on changing my old believes into positive ones to have a better quality of life for Nathanael and our entire family. Thank-You.
Big Hugs
Karen Holmes
Hi, Karen:
You are a "pistol". Lots of life, lots of energy, lot of light in your eyes -- I have so enjoyed having you in the New Frontiers program...and so appreciate the love and kindness you express. Your note above just so touched me. Thank you for your kind words.
Love, Bears
Hi Bears,
I really enjoyed The Son-Rise Program: New Frontiers and would need courage and strength to be ready for Son-Rise Wide Awake. Thank-You for giving me tools to use in Nathaniel's playroom .Inspiring Growth is so valuable having specific goals and using the Developmental Model to focus on the four fundamentals. My Son-Rise Program Manual is so valuable to me that anyone who asks why I hold on to it so tightly my response is this is the way you can get your own. Watching "I Want My Little Boy Back" the manual is my Bible only when you experience The Son-Rise Program Process. Thank-You again and again for making time to work on me for questioning my belief's and to make it so clear your attitude is required to be present with your child in the play room and The Option Process Principles you have made it easy. Well now to get to work in the play room 3 E's.Tell Bryn Thank-You for making is possible for me to finally attend New Frontiers Terry told me it was Bryn's decision that made this week possible for me. It was the Best Memorial week I have ever had.
Love Karen
Labels: Attitude, Bears, Personal Growth
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posted by (Bears) Barry Neil Kaufman, Founder, Option Inst. at
6:51 AM
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"Autism Is Awesome, Mom"
Please read this exchange from my facebook wall -- Wow!!
Yen Kie Ong
Dear Bears, something I want to share with you. Lately, as I've been thinking that I'm a victim of all this craziness, my son who still struggles socially, sat beside me silently, put his arm around me just like that for 5-10 minutes. His choice of consoling me was amazing and really working. And when I lied down on the bed, still feeling low, he just played by himself, checking on me from time to time with his smile. I am blown away. This boy is already living life the Option Process way. He chooses to use his happiness to comfort me. I was bitter and negative at him, and he still smiled at me, no judgment, just total acceptance of me. It's like he's the teacher, he's teaching me in his own way about happiness. And you know what else? When I feel sad, he takes out a book, hands it to me and reads out loud "Happiness is a choice by Barry Neil Kaufman." never my other books, always this book. And he often blurts out "Autism is awesome, mom!", just like that, out of nowhere. Amazing!
Bears Barry Neil Kaufman at 8:23pm
Wow! You son is your teacher...and when he says: "Autism is awesome, mom" -- well, it just takes my breath away. Yen Kie, you are so, so blessed. And we all are bless as well because of your sharing. Hey, and do I ever love his choice of favorite reading material. Smiles and love, Bears
Yen Kie Ong
Dear Bears, something I want to share with you. Lately, as I've been thinking that I'm a victim of all this craziness, my son who still struggles socially, sat beside me silently, put his arm around me just like that for 5-10 minutes. His choice of consoling me was amazing and really working. And when I lied down on the bed, still feeling low, he just played by himself, checking on me from time to time with his smile. I am blown away. This boy is already living life the Option Process way. He chooses to use his happiness to comfort me. I was bitter and negative at him, and he still smiled at me, no judgment, just total acceptance of me. It's like he's the teacher, he's teaching me in his own way about happiness. And you know what else? When I feel sad, he takes out a book, hands it to me and reads out loud "Happiness is a choice by Barry Neil Kaufman." never my other books, always this book. And he often blurts out "Autism is awesome, mom!", just like that, out of nowhere. Amazing!
Bears Barry Neil Kaufman at 8:23pm
Wow! You son is your teacher...and when he says: "Autism is awesome, mom" -- well, it just takes my breath away. Yen Kie, you are so, so blessed. And we all are bless as well because of your sharing. Hey, and do I ever love his choice of favorite reading material. Smiles and love, Bears
Labels: Attitude, Bears, Personal Growth
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posted by (Bears) Barry Neil Kaufman, Founder, Option Inst. at
5:29 PM
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Monday, May 11, 2009
Big Mountains to Climb
A note from Julie:
OK! ! need some love:
My husband is in the army, he was deployed last year, and has been here & gone quite a bit over the last few months... my daughter (5) is a daddy's girl (so was i) and each time he leaves, she gets very anxious. and the old isms come back. I think she fears he won't come back. Each time he does, he brings them a small gift, so hopefully they'll think about their little goodie rather than that he's gone. we're trying to work through it, but i also have a little guy (3) and I'm spread very thin. It's a difficult balance...
I have only one volunteer right now, and she helps occupy my little guy so i can work with my daughter... so, I'm a little overwhelmed lately.
Please send some love and a few "E's" my way.... i could use them.
A message from Bears:
Julie: Some of us have little mountains to climb; some of us have big ones to climb. The benevolent universe never gives us more than we can handle. So, if you got some big ones, it's because you are "big" inside -- and you can find the way. Yes, sometimes we feel overwhelmed...yes, I understand only one volunteer for your Son-Rise Program is a... Read More huge challenge and your husband, bless him, just visiting from military deployment on limited leaves is surely another big challenge...but that's not about our circumstances; it's about how we embrace them (or resist them). Imagine a universe that we can never quite understand with our small and sweet brains...but, nevertheless, a universe that operates with an intentionality to support us and to love us (even when it doesn't seem so). We could call that trust or faith. So, close you eyes and decide to open them with a new perspective. And then rather than "need" love from the outside, bless yourself with love from the inside. Love, Bears
A message back from Julie:
Thank you again for helping me re-evaluate the situation. sometimes it takes another person's guidance & insight to open your eyes again. I may me in an unfamiliar place, with no family around me, but there is a handful of people I've met through my daughter that care deeply... and I need to appreciate THEM instead of dwell on who's NOT here.... and to be my own force of nature.
Thank you, bears, and thanks again for leaving me in a puddle of tears :)
gratefully,
Julie
OK! ! need some love:
My husband is in the army, he was deployed last year, and has been here & gone quite a bit over the last few months... my daughter (5) is a daddy's girl (so was i) and each time he leaves, she gets very anxious. and the old isms come back. I think she fears he won't come back. Each time he does, he brings them a small gift, so hopefully they'll think about their little goodie rather than that he's gone. we're trying to work through it, but i also have a little guy (3) and I'm spread very thin. It's a difficult balance...
I have only one volunteer right now, and she helps occupy my little guy so i can work with my daughter... so, I'm a little overwhelmed lately.
Please send some love and a few "E's" my way.... i could use them.
A message from Bears:
Julie: Some of us have little mountains to climb; some of us have big ones to climb. The benevolent universe never gives us more than we can handle. So, if you got some big ones, it's because you are "big" inside -- and you can find the way. Yes, sometimes we feel overwhelmed...yes, I understand only one volunteer for your Son-Rise Program is a... Read More huge challenge and your husband, bless him, just visiting from military deployment on limited leaves is surely another big challenge...but that's not about our circumstances; it's about how we embrace them (or resist them). Imagine a universe that we can never quite understand with our small and sweet brains...but, nevertheless, a universe that operates with an intentionality to support us and to love us (even when it doesn't seem so). We could call that trust or faith. So, close you eyes and decide to open them with a new perspective. And then rather than "need" love from the outside, bless yourself with love from the inside. Love, Bears
A message back from Julie:
Thank you again for helping me re-evaluate the situation. sometimes it takes another person's guidance & insight to open your eyes again. I may me in an unfamiliar place, with no family around me, but there is a handful of people I've met through my daughter that care deeply... and I need to appreciate THEM instead of dwell on who's NOT here.... and to be my own force of nature.
Thank you, bears, and thanks again for leaving me in a puddle of tears :)
gratefully,
Julie
Labels: 3Es, Bears, Personal Growth
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posted by (Bears) Barry Neil Kaufman, Founder, Option Inst. at
10:02 AM
1 Comments
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Back to Basics
Hi. I'm a Son-Rise Mum and I have been running a programme for 5 years. Has it been hard? Yes. Has it been glorious? Yes. Is my daughter still autistic? Yes. Did I hope otherwise? Yes.
So many Yes's.
But the hardest one has been Back to Basics.
You see, when we started, my daughter was so "high functioning", she could already talk. So I could tick that one off the list. Did she already have eye contact? Yes. Was her communication normal and her eye contact normal? No. So we had a lot to work/play on.... but my daughter responded quickly, loved the Playroom, loved the one-to-one contact with her playmates. We even got onto "Advanced Friendship Skills". From one loop conversations we were up to 10 minutes. Interactive games could last an hour!!! I was so proud. "I'm doing this properly. I can Be Happy".
And then it all changed. My daughter stopped sleeping, her behaviour changed and her progress in the Playroom skidded to a halt. In fact, it slid all the way back to way before we started the programme. She was struggling to survive, her (teenage) body was putting such demands on her.
My volunteers and I were confused. What to do? Of course it was obvious - back to basics- but Oh! we resisted.....How we tried our favourite interactive ploys -nothing....How we introduced new games - nothing....How we tried to make conversation - nothing....
We mourned. In one meeting, we had to face the fact that our dreams ("We will make K. better") seemed to be crumbling. "Choose to be Happy". Mmm. Seemed a long way away.
So of course we went Back to Basics. Joining, joining, joining. The 3 e's. Celebrating. Although we had never stopped doing these, we were rusty on doing them so purely, for hour after hour, especially joining. Luckily, my daughter's main ism is tearing bits of paper, which is quite soothing.....
My mentor, Bryn, asked me. "If she was like this from now on, could that memory of that connection be enough? Could you celebrate her for how she is now? Can you be with her now with absolute abandon?"
And the answer was Yes.
Was I doing Son-Rise wrong? No. Is my daughter going through hormonal challenges (she is 16)? Yes. Does joining work? Yes.
Thank you for Back to Basics. I need to go and do some tearing now.......
So many Yes's.
But the hardest one has been Back to Basics.
You see, when we started, my daughter was so "high functioning", she could already talk. So I could tick that one off the list. Did she already have eye contact? Yes. Was her communication normal and her eye contact normal? No. So we had a lot to work/play on.... but my daughter responded quickly, loved the Playroom, loved the one-to-one contact with her playmates. We even got onto "Advanced Friendship Skills". From one loop conversations we were up to 10 minutes. Interactive games could last an hour!!! I was so proud. "I'm doing this properly. I can Be Happy".
And then it all changed. My daughter stopped sleeping, her behaviour changed and her progress in the Playroom skidded to a halt. In fact, it slid all the way back to way before we started the programme. She was struggling to survive, her (teenage) body was putting such demands on her.
My volunteers and I were confused. What to do? Of course it was obvious - back to basics- but Oh! we resisted.....How we tried our favourite interactive ploys -nothing....How we introduced new games - nothing....How we tried to make conversation - nothing....
We mourned. In one meeting, we had to face the fact that our dreams ("We will make K. better") seemed to be crumbling. "Choose to be Happy". Mmm. Seemed a long way away.
So of course we went Back to Basics. Joining, joining, joining. The 3 e's. Celebrating. Although we had never stopped doing these, we were rusty on doing them so purely, for hour after hour, especially joining. Luckily, my daughter's main ism is tearing bits of paper, which is quite soothing.....
My mentor, Bryn, asked me. "If she was like this from now on, could that memory of that connection be enough? Could you celebrate her for how she is now? Can you be with her now with absolute abandon?"
And the answer was Yes.
Was I doing Son-Rise wrong? No. Is my daughter going through hormonal challenges (she is 16)? Yes. Does joining work? Yes.
Thank you for Back to Basics. I need to go and do some tearing now.......
Labels: 3Es, Attitude, Joining, Personal Growth
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posted by Claire Hayes at
12:27 AM
1 Comments
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wide Awake
Good Morning!
It's Friday the sun in streaming into my office window, and I am filled with a huge feeling of gratitude for my life. Working here At the Autism Treatment Center Of America I get to do what I most enjoy. This week we have a beautiful 8 year old, he is Autistic, tall thin with dark curly hair, and he is thoroughly joyous.
He loves to be squeezed, tickled, spun and thrown onto our crash mat. Getting to be part of the team who loves him, challenges him and joins him as he dances around the playroom is totally delicious. Watching him try so hard to talk and connect is an honor.
Part of being a staff member at the Option Institute means that we can take a program during our vacations for free. How great is that!! So next week I am going to take the advance Option Process Program, Wide Awake. This is a program that is taught entirely by Bears Kaufman. I get to spend five whole days just thinking about myself, taking apart my thoughts and beliefs about myself and the events and people around me, so that I can deepen and strengthen my ability to choose love, acceptance and happiness no matter what is going on around me.
I feel lucky and blessed to be alive today.
Let me know why you feel lucky to be alive today, and we can blast the Internet with blessed, grateful thoughts!
I will let you know how the program goes!
It's Friday the sun in streaming into my office window, and I am filled with a huge feeling of gratitude for my life. Working here At the Autism Treatment Center Of America I get to do what I most enjoy. This week we have a beautiful 8 year old, he is Autistic, tall thin with dark curly hair, and he is thoroughly joyous.
He loves to be squeezed, tickled, spun and thrown onto our crash mat. Getting to be part of the team who loves him, challenges him and joins him as he dances around the playroom is totally delicious. Watching him try so hard to talk and connect is an honor.
Part of being a staff member at the Option Institute means that we can take a program during our vacations for free. How great is that!! So next week I am going to take the advance Option Process Program, Wide Awake. This is a program that is taught entirely by Bears Kaufman. I get to spend five whole days just thinking about myself, taking apart my thoughts and beliefs about myself and the events and people around me, so that I can deepen and strengthen my ability to choose love, acceptance and happiness no matter what is going on around me.
I feel lucky and blessed to be alive today.
Let me know why you feel lucky to be alive today, and we can blast the Internet with blessed, grateful thoughts!
I will let you know how the program goes!
Labels: Attitude, Kate, Personal Growth
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posted by Kate Wilde at
4:50 AM
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Friday, April 17, 2009
A Work In Progress, for the rest of my life
I have had many years of learning to let go of what I don't want, and going after what I do want in a clear and passionate way, both at work (as a teacher and trainer in The Son-Rise Program) and in my personal life. I am feeling pretty good at it at this stage of my life - letting go, feeling comfortable and going for what I want. However the other day I was reminded that I am a work in progress.
It's Saturday morning, Bryn has gone over a friends house to oversee a multi-family tag sale that we are participating in, and I am left to get Jade and Malik fed, ready and out the door to take then to a local stables where they help, all day. Of course my day is all booked and nicely scheduled to get everything done that I want to. I have to drop Jade and Malik off, go to the bank, deliver stuff for the tag sale, play a soccer game in the over 40's league I am in, pick up the weekly shopping on the way home and finally go to a fund-raising Hoe-Down (country dancing where you "take your partner by the hand...doe-see-doe them over the right shoulder...etc.") in the evening. I am just throwing the last load of tag sale stuff into the back of the van when both Jade and Malik walk out of the house and close the front door behind them. Malik says to me "Do you have your keys dad?" to which I reply, "I don’t think so but the door should be open". He then tries the door and it is locked!! At first I reassure myself that I have the keys and calmly look in my pockets and then in the ignition of the van. They are nowhere to be seen, which meant they were in the house behind the locked door!! At this point I start to walk around the house looking at all the ground floor windows and I am telling myself "It's ok, a window will be open, all’s good." They were all nicely closed and locked and at this moment I start see the plan of my day, that I had laid out so well, start to fall apart - at this point I start to get frustrated, saying a few choice words, even being annoyed at myself for closing all the windows and making it hard for me to break into my own house (well I wasn't the clearest thinking person right then!) Fortunately there was a window slightly open on the second floor (we have no nearby neighbors or available ladder) and I had to be willing to risk breaking a leg if I slipped trying to get to it. Being undeterred and "needing" (yes "needing" to get what I want) I climb on a lawn bench, that I propped against the house, up onto a door over hang and after 5 minutes of pushing the screen out of the window I open it and climb in. At this point my frustration turns to relief because I was still going to get what I wanted - my day was going to go as I planned. I come out through the front door holding the van and house keys high above my head like the conquering hero that I thought I was! My plan was still intact and my happiness nicely sorted out. As we drove down the road, I say to the kids "Ok guys we can relax now it worked out" whereby Malik says to me "We are relaxed Dad, its you who were upset!"
He was right, even though it had all worked out in the end, I had decided to get upset when it looked like I would not get what I wanted and yet both Jade and Malik, who were excited about going to the stables, had decide to stay comfortable and easy with the same situation. It was a great reminder that part of life is about learning to let go and relaxing when faced with the possibility of not getting what you want or the times when you clearly do not get what you want (not letting the situation determine whether I am going to be happy or not). To tell the truth what I got upset about was pretty small compared to the situations in my life that I have learned to let go and relax (the situations and event were most definitely not what I wanted). How I decide to feel about any situation that I am faced with is a moment-to-moment decision - I am always deciding, whether I acknowledge that or not.
So I am happy to say I am a 'work in progress' and because I am deciding how I want to feel in each and every moment that I am a live, I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life.
It's Saturday morning, Bryn has gone over a friends house to oversee a multi-family tag sale that we are participating in, and I am left to get Jade and Malik fed, ready and out the door to take then to a local stables where they help, all day. Of course my day is all booked and nicely scheduled to get everything done that I want to. I have to drop Jade and Malik off, go to the bank, deliver stuff for the tag sale, play a soccer game in the over 40's league I am in, pick up the weekly shopping on the way home and finally go to a fund-raising Hoe-Down (country dancing where you "take your partner by the hand...doe-see-doe them over the right shoulder...etc.") in the evening. I am just throwing the last load of tag sale stuff into the back of the van when both Jade and Malik walk out of the house and close the front door behind them. Malik says to me "Do you have your keys dad?" to which I reply, "I don’t think so but the door should be open". He then tries the door and it is locked!! At first I reassure myself that I have the keys and calmly look in my pockets and then in the ignition of the van. They are nowhere to be seen, which meant they were in the house behind the locked door!! At this point I start to walk around the house looking at all the ground floor windows and I am telling myself "It's ok, a window will be open, all’s good." They were all nicely closed and locked and at this moment I start see the plan of my day, that I had laid out so well, start to fall apart - at this point I start to get frustrated, saying a few choice words, even being annoyed at myself for closing all the windows and making it hard for me to break into my own house (well I wasn't the clearest thinking person right then!) Fortunately there was a window slightly open on the second floor (we have no nearby neighbors or available ladder) and I had to be willing to risk breaking a leg if I slipped trying to get to it. Being undeterred and "needing" (yes "needing" to get what I want) I climb on a lawn bench, that I propped against the house, up onto a door over hang and after 5 minutes of pushing the screen out of the window I open it and climb in. At this point my frustration turns to relief because I was still going to get what I wanted - my day was going to go as I planned. I come out through the front door holding the van and house keys high above my head like the conquering hero that I thought I was! My plan was still intact and my happiness nicely sorted out. As we drove down the road, I say to the kids "Ok guys we can relax now it worked out" whereby Malik says to me "We are relaxed Dad, its you who were upset!"
He was right, even though it had all worked out in the end, I had decided to get upset when it looked like I would not get what I wanted and yet both Jade and Malik, who were excited about going to the stables, had decide to stay comfortable and easy with the same situation. It was a great reminder that part of life is about learning to let go and relaxing when faced with the possibility of not getting what you want or the times when you clearly do not get what you want (not letting the situation determine whether I am going to be happy or not). To tell the truth what I got upset about was pretty small compared to the situations in my life that I have learned to let go and relax (the situations and event were most definitely not what I wanted). How I decide to feel about any situation that I am faced with is a moment-to-moment decision - I am always deciding, whether I acknowledge that or not.
So I am happy to say I am a 'work in progress' and because I am deciding how I want to feel in each and every moment that I am a live, I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life.
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
5:39 AM
2 Comments
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Embracing Change
Everything is changing, this you probably know. Now, for some things, we like to think it just happens to other people, they are changing and we are not. Yet life is really good at gently or not so gently reminding us that change happens to us all. Take for instance our physical body, I play soccer in an over 40s league and during the winter we practice indoors, the game is fast moving and lots of fun. When I am playing I am focused, running with the ball, tackling, defending and scoring a goal or two. My body is mine to control and put wherever I want it to go! The next day is another matter all together, my muscles ache, my toe hurts, my knee joints are stiff, it hurts to walk up the stairs etc. It is at this time I am acutely aware that my body is changing too, when I was in my 20s I did not feel any of what I am feeling now or for as long (sometimes I can feel sore for up to 3 days after practice!!). It is humbling and yet if there is one thing I have learned in using the Son-Rise Program, personally and as a teacher, it is that I get to choose how to greet and be with whatever comes into my life, from the small opportunities, like having to get rid of ants in the kitchen, to the big, like having a daughter with autism. I am not sure where a body that is changing (aging) fits in, whether it is a small, big or somewhere in between opportunity, but never the less it is a changing part of my world that I will endeavor to be relaxed with and ultimately enjoy.
Labels: Attitude, Personal Growth, William
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posted by William Hogan, Senior Son-Rise Program Teacher at
12:14 PM
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Reflections from Class
Hello,
Today one of my students told me that she is a very serious person, and that she really needs to work on that.
As I looked at her I was aware of how magnificently playful and silly and positive she is.I have countless memories of watching her in the playroom playing with autistic children where I have be moved by her silliness into laughter. In fact I have just seen her dressed up as a cat taking a little autistic boy for a ride on her back.
Loads of memories of being inspired by her to be the best of myself.
Touched by her examples of gratitude towards me, and marvelled by her ability to change and overcome challenges.
I brought some of this to her attention, but she poo pooed them saying, no really she is very serious and uptight and reiterated that she needs to "look at this".
And I am sure there are times in her life when she feels serious and uptight, but she was making this all of who she is.
After this interaction I was thinking about how we make our unhappiness so big, we give it so much attention, growing it from a seed into a tree. In turn we put no thought to the moments where we choose happiness and kindness, thus shrinking it to a pea in our minds. What if we all did the opposite? We put our attention to and grew our happiness, and dared to see the beauty that shines within us?
If at night when we ponder our day we think about all things we did that were kind, and generous, silly and playful, and dared to see ourselves as nothing but the great human beings that we are.
Would we still grow? I think yes, and in leaps and bounds.
Today one of my students told me that she is a very serious person, and that she really needs to work on that.
As I looked at her I was aware of how magnificently playful and silly and positive she is.I have countless memories of watching her in the playroom playing with autistic children where I have be moved by her silliness into laughter. In fact I have just seen her dressed up as a cat taking a little autistic boy for a ride on her back.
Loads of memories of being inspired by her to be the best of myself.
Touched by her examples of gratitude towards me, and marvelled by her ability to change and overcome challenges.
I brought some of this to her attention, but she poo pooed them saying, no really she is very serious and uptight and reiterated that she needs to "look at this".
And I am sure there are times in her life when she feels serious and uptight, but she was making this all of who she is.
After this interaction I was thinking about how we make our unhappiness so big, we give it so much attention, growing it from a seed into a tree. In turn we put no thought to the moments where we choose happiness and kindness, thus shrinking it to a pea in our minds. What if we all did the opposite? We put our attention to and grew our happiness, and dared to see the beauty that shines within us?
If at night when we ponder our day we think about all things we did that were kind, and generous, silly and playful, and dared to see ourselves as nothing but the great human beings that we are.
Would we still grow? I think yes, and in leaps and bounds.
Labels: Attitude, Kate, Personal Growth
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posted by Kate Wilde at
8:04 AM
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